Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Miss You

Gracie and I stopped by Family Bookstore on our way home from the doctor. As we browsed the gift section looking ahead towards Christmas, Gracie picked up a little Willow Tree figurine. She said it looked like Zachary caught one of our balloons. When I looked down to see what she was talking about, she had this little figurine that whose balloon reads, "Miss You." She asked if I thought he missed us, and I told her he did, though I'm confident we miss him more.

I'm not sure that you ever look back wistfully once in the presence of God. In fact, I'm confident you don't.

But oh, how we miss him! At lunch a couple of weekends ago, Gracie drew a picture of our family and our house, and high above the house was a cloud with Zachary peeking out from behind. And, of course, on days like today, he's on her mind. He never leaves my mind. Every time I slow down, there he is. It's hard to outrun the memory.

How will these losses, this life, affect my kids as they grow? Will they make them stronger? Will they make them angry? Will the fact that our living space is strewn with dead-baby decorations scar them for life? (That may be an exaggeration. It's probably not as bad as it sounds. What's shown in the picture is it for the decor.) These are the questions I ask myself as we think, talk, and pray about the possibility of ever trying again.

Balloons for our Baby


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