Stepping Out and Changing My Heart

As we've prayed about agency choices, I've continued to pray for our would-have-been birthmom and the twins she's now parenting. For the last couple of days, I've felt strongly compelled to send a little something her way -- practical things, things I know she needs -- to show that we wholeheartedly support her choice to parent and harbor no ill feelings towards her. As we were getting ready for bed last night, I told James how I was feeling, but he was reserved -- he didn't want my gesture to come across incorrectly or for it to seem like we were stalking her or her babies. Initially, I agreed with him and decided to ignore the burden on my heart.

By this morning, though, that burden was back and stronger than ever, so I decided to go against what my husband thought -- not normally something I'd recommend. On Black Friday, I stocked up on boxes of baby wipes, so I snagged a box from the storage shelf and headed towards Babies R' Us. I had some coupons and reward dollars from some Christmas purchases I made, so I justified my plans by committing to keep my spending around what I could pass along for free or for very little money. The closer I got to Babies R' Us, though, the more I worried James was right. Maybe she wouldn't understand my gesture as one of genuine love and honest support and maybe I would seem like a stalker.

In my concern, I didn't call my husband -- I called my mom. I told her what I'd felt and what I thought I was supposed to do, then I asked her if she thought it was weird. "No, I don't think it's weird, I think it's nice, but here, talk to D." D is the babies' grandmother, and she played a significant part in connecting us with her daughter. She and my mom were working together today. After the adoption didn't work out, I didn't really expect to talk to her again, but she seemed very happy to talk to me and apologized for things not working out as we'd all hoped. I assured her we were fine and that we were so honored to have ever been considered as possible parents for the babies. Despite that arrangement falling apart, God is faithful and He has a plan for us.

I explained to D that we've been praying about our next step and the agency we're to work with. (Side note: we've decided we're going with the little local agency we loved so much before having Brystol). I continued by telling her that I've still been praying for birthmom and the babies. I shared that I felt impressed to pick up some diapers and essentials as a gesture of love and support, but that I had concerns about my offering being offensive or coming across as predatory. D was overjoyed. She said my gift would be a tremendous blessing, that birthmom was completely overwhelmed and deeply struggling. She said that birthmom was in a very hard place financially and was actually coming up within the hour to go to the store with D to pick up diapers -- diapers D couldn't actually personally afford to buy.

At that point, I called my husband for forgiveness (because sometimes it's easier to get forgiveness than permission -- ha!). I relayed the conversations and told him I was outside of Babies R' Us, then I confirmed it would be okay for me to buy a few things. When he knew the gift would be well-received and wouldn't seem weird, he was behind it, so I picked up some diapers and a few other essentials and headed towards the Home Depot where my mom works. I just planned to drop the stuff with a note, but about ten minutes before pulling in, D called me to say birthmom was so grateful for our gift and wanted to talk to me. She gave me her number and encouraged me to call. So, I did.

I'm so glad I did.

All the "conversations" we had before the babies were born were mediated by our respective moms, or were between me and Grandma D. Several times, James and I offered to meet birthmom and her boyfriend to let them get to know us better, but birthmom was scared and boyfriend was oppositional. Talking to her today was so natural and easy. She talked to me like I was an old friend and went on about how overwhelming parenthood is. I did my best to encourage her and I promised it would get easier. She said if she hadn't decided to parent, I was definitely the mom she would have picked for her kids. "Thank you," I replied, "I would have been honored." I told her I was on my way to the store to drop off the things I'd collected, and she said she was on her way up to meet me there.

Birthmom was so beautiful-- just a regular girl in a puffy black jacket with hair dyed pink and a rhinestoned bow. She noticed my nose ring and compared it to hers. She thanked me for the diapers and asked if I wanted to see the babies. I did, of course I did.

The babies were so beautiful -- scrunched little bundles of honey skin with tufted black hair, perpetually drowsy. They looked like Gracie as a baby, a small version of James. We visited for a few minutes, and when we parted ways, I did not feel sad. Sure, those sweet babies were perfect and would have been wonderful additions to our family, but they were perfectly hers and my heart was at peace.

Meeting this birthmom today was such a blessing. As long as we've planned to adopt (both before Brystol and of late), I've had some concerns about open adoption. Our situation with Bub is special. We've heard amazing stories about open adoption, but our adoption story with Bub is different, and we can't look to it as an example of something we can hope for in the future.

When we began exploring open adoption and had to consider including a birthmom in our lives for the long-term, Bub's birthmom is the sort of birthmom that came to mind. Long story short, the thought of inviting someone like her into our stable lives is not something I've ever personally been very excited about. We expressed concern to our social worker, even asked about the possibility of having an anonymous adoption, but he assured us that, when the time comes, God would bring the right match to our family -- both baby and birthmom. He reminded us that, even then, we have choices and can negotiate for things that make us comfortable. Still, I've remained unsure about that relationship.

Stepping out and doing something unconventional today led to a face-to-face meeting with our would-have-been birthmom, and meeting her both opened my eyes and changed my heart. She wasn't an angry and aggressive person. She wasn't high or strung out on anything. Nothing about our conversation was forced, uncomfortable, or frustrating -- we talked easily like we'd known each other for a good, long while. We hugged when we parted. She was just a regular girl who wanted the best for her babies, and who, at one point, thought adoption might be that best thing.

Sure, she didn't choose me to parent her children, but today she showed me that there are indeed nice, normal people out there considering the adoption option, and that what I've always assumed will be an impossible relationship might not be so bad after all.





photo credit: tensionnot.com

Duped

For weeks now, I've been following a blog about a baby named April Rose. The blog was written from the perspective of a single mom carrying a baby with Trisomy 13 -- a baby considered terminal (predicted to die in utero), but who, miraculously, was born alive and continued to live after birth.

As a mother who has experienced loss, I intimately understood some of the pain April's mom Beccah expressed, the fear in her anticipation. Though I've never carried a terminal baby, though I've never carried a baby with an actual threat of death looming, I knew the pain and grief that could (and likely would) come in the end. And I prayed. I prayed for April Rose. I prayed for her mother and the weight of her burden. I prayed for her father who didn't know the Lord and who was seeing first hand the miracles God is capable of. I prayed their experience would be one to turn him to God instead of driving him away.

I subscribed to the blog and read it religiously. I followed the tweets. I cried when little April's descending heart rate took a miraculous turn and settled in at an unexpectedly safe pace. I even made James sit and listen to the audio online. I shook my head with understanding as April's mom publicly defended herself to her critics, and I defended her decision to switch from an intervention-happy doctor to a mommy-supporting midwife. I pleaded with God as Beccah labored -- I prayed that little April Rose would be born alive since Zachary's fleeting final moments meant so much to me. I praised God when April Rose was not only born alive, but continued to live.

When I last read blog updates, family and friends defended Beccah and April Rose and did their best to protect them against the cruelty that often comes from people who have never walked in shoes like theirs -- people who lash out most hatefully because they can do so anonymously. I struggled to understand the insensitivity of the human race, particularly in dealing with someone who'd just given birth after a heart-wrenching pregnancy and who was likely to soon become a card-carrying member of the Dead Baby Club.

It's been a little while since I've checked in on the blog as I'm currently working to wind down my own emotionally-exhausting pregnancy, however, when I noticed a new post in my Google Reader today, I popped by, hoping to find an update. But all that's left of the blog is an apology. As it turns out, it was all a lie, everyone else was right, and I have been duped.

(To realize the drama of the story, read the cached pages of the Little April Rose blog here.)

I thought I was more savvy than I evidently am, and I'm embarrassed.

I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach.

I hope the uncovering of her made-up story won't drive her hurting readers away from the "deep faith" from which she wrote. I hope they realize that while she is a liar, the God she wrote about clinging to is as real as ever.

And while blog author Beccah Beushausen absolutely deserves to be held accountable for her actions (particularly for any material benefits she received as the author of her blog), as she moves forward in her life, I pray her body remains fertile, her future pregnancies are successful, she may never experience the torturous pain of carrying a terminal child, and the children of her future live. No matter what sort of wicked decisions they've made, no one -- no one -- deserves the burden of dead baby pain.

Little April Rose is a Fake

Down With Trolls (see April Rose posts)

Blogger's Baby Was a Hoax :: chicagotribune.com

Blogger's Fake Baby Fooled Thousands :: momlogic.com

Blogger Admits Story of Terminally Ill Baby Is a Lie :: foxnews.com

April Rose: Another Internet Hoax :: Cao's Blog

An Update on April Rose :: mycharmingkids.net

Blogger Baby Hoax Writer Not a Professional Social Worker :: socialworkblog.org

Breaking News

Here's a compilation of the news broadcasts about the FREE GROCERIES event held at our church on Monday. This was such a wonderful event -- a blessing to the community, a blessing to us. I'm still excited about it!

Words Escape Me -- Baby P Is On His Way!

Introducing Beautiful Baby P

I'm staring at a blinking cursor thinking there just aren't enough words in the English language for me to weave my thoughts together right now. I am absolutely stunned by God's incredible, unbelievable faithfulness. I am humbled by His ability, and long to spend the day on my face praising Him for His tender mercies. I am amazed by what He has done.

I have been prayerfully waiting (from a distance) with a couple from my church -- Holly and Ben -- who began an adoption journey only nine short weeks ago. I keep their blog link handy and look to their story for encouragement in my own situation. Last night, they got the official call that they were going to be parents to a beautiful baby boy!

Holly tells her story much better than I'm able to, but I'll share a brief synopsis of their miraculous adoption events:

• They were chosen to parent after only nine short weeks of waiting. (I think it's amazing that she's been waiting and I've been pregnant exactly the same amount of time. That fact is completely irrelevant, really -- just interesting to me. What's most interesting about it is that I thought of Holly before I announced my pregnancy. I was concerned that in her waiting, her heart would be burdened by my news. I know what it's like to sit and wait while the world goes on without you. I strongly considered delaying our announcement only because I didn't want her heart to hurt. Little did I know God had a baby for her right then.)
• Though they're approved to adopt nationwide, they were chosen by an in-state birth mom, making a last-minute trip to the hospital much easier.
• The birth mom and her family are a close, loving Christian family (an answer to a specific prayer) who have embraced Holly and Ben and want them to be at the hospital and share in the birth experience.
• The birth mom who chose them chose them alone. She knew in her heart they are to parent the child she's carrying.
• Baby P's due date is only 10 days away. He could arrive anytime!

I am so blessed and excited by Holly and Ben's news. God's faithfulness and provision cannot be denied. Please visit her blog to read her adoption story in more detail and to offer your congratulations, then stick around to see what else God has in store for this sweet family and their beautiful baby.

October 15: Remembering

A day does not go by that I do not consider the babies we've conceived and lost. From time to time, I'll scrawl out their dates on anything handy -- grocery store receipts, church bulletins, magazine inserts -- just to remember they were once here. I compare them to other babies I watch grow and thrive. I wonder if they would have walked as early, or have hair as full, or if they would have squinted as they smiled. I wonder what life would be like if they were living.

To carry a child in your womb is to carry a child in your heart, and when that child is gone, the heart hurts. Regardless of how the child goes, whether by choice or by circumstance, pain is left in its place. In honor of my pain, and in honor of the pain felt by many families, Congress declared October 15th to be Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on September 28, 2006 as part of House Concurrent Resolution #222.

Today, I call to mind ordinary days in which my world was utterly transformed. Winter days were once full of hope and wonder, until December 2005 when I lost my first child. Fall, my favorite season with its crisp air and glorious changes, changed forever when in October 2006, I lost my second. Springtime, a time of newness and birth, was marred by death in April 2007 when Zachary became my third loss. And summer, bright and sunny, became dark and dismal, when in August 2007, our fourth baby died. I remember you, babies. I am changed by you despite the brevity of your lives.

Today, I remember my babies. And today, I remember your babies. I acknowledge the cribs left empty. I acknowledge the clothes left unworn. I acknowledge the unfulfilled plans, and the beautiful dreams now shattered. I acknowledge the questions we're left with, and I acknowledge the grief and pain that often consumes our hearts. Today, I remember you. I know your pain. I know it well.

As I think of us today, as I remember the babies who've gone before us, I pray that your heart will be comforted, and even when it feels impossible, I pray that you will find peace.

Resources:
October 15th Website
Facts about Miscarriage
About.com: Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
M.E.N.D. - Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death
Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support
Massive Pregnancy Loss Blogroll by The Stirrup Queen
My friend Amy at For What It's Worth
A favorite blogger, Angie Smith at Bring the Rain

Congress votes to pass October 15 as
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day --
a brave acknowledgement of loss by hurting men
who made our pain "official."




In Remembrance

photo credit: jpgmag.com, gettysburgflagworks.com

When Ike shows up a the soccer game...

... umbrellas have no chance.

Hurricane Ike struck the Texas coast this week, and we were fortunate not to suffer any damage or loss, save that of our umbrella. James' dad, who lives in East Texas, generally gets hit pretty hard. He lost power for weeks with Katrina and Rita. He and James' grandmother fled the area before the storm hit ground and stayed with James' aunt Liz in Canton. They thought they would have to spend a few days here with us, but after a quick trip home yesterday revealed minimal damage and electricity up and running, they went back home instead.

Some of our friends have families that have experienced major damage, while others are hosting the displaced. We're so sorry for all of your losses, and pray that all will be quickly restored.

9/11: Remembering the Lost

I remember that day. I remember the sunlight streaming into my office as I pored over a stack of expense reports the construction manager had just submitted. I remember debating another reminder of his meal budget. I remember wondering how he just couldn't wrap is mind around something so important.

Janet came into the room. She was one of the two senior architects. She spent her day wooing clients while her husband, the other senior, spent his days hunched over his designs. They officed at the head of the workroom, and neither of them joined the drones all that often. Her presence captured all our attention.

"There's been an accident in New York City," she said. "A plane crashed into a building. I don't know any more." Someone pulled out a small radio, but plotters and printers drowned out it's news. Hank drove two miles home to bring in his TV.

"What a terrible accident," someone said. "Are there any survivors," asked another. And then the second plane barrelled in and we knew. We were dismissed for the day.

I called James as I drove to my Mom's house, begging him to leave work and meet me. The radio mentioned the Pentagon and I was quite sure it was the end of life as we knew it. We sat together in silence, watching, waiting, hoping on that day and on many more to come.

I remember the replays. I remember the looks of terror. I remember the replayed voice mails and reread e-mails. I remember the faces of those searching for their loved ones. I remember the count. I remember the names scrolling the bottom of the screen. I remember those who lost their lives. And I still struggle to wrap my mind around something so important.


photo credit: my.homewithgod.com

Rick and Kendra: Caring Bridge

I stayed with Kendra until about 3:00, and left about just before she went home to shower and gather some things for her continued stay at the hospital. When I left, Rick was stable and there were no more updates. Since arriving home, I've heard the surgeon plans to begin operating on Rick either Sunday or Monday.

A Caring Bridge site has been set up to coordinate updates about Rick. Kendra's collecting all the sentiments, well-wishes, and prayers to show Rick just how many rallied to his side. Please feel welcome to drop by and sign the guestbook.

www.caringbridge.org/visit/rickcox

Rick and Kendra: Update

Kendra's just posted an update on her blog (I brought her my laptop to connect to the world momentarily), and here's the update she posted:

Some of you know this by now, but I wanted to update everyone on our current situation. Rick was in a serious motorcycle accident last night. He was careflighted to Baylor Medical in Dallas. As of the moment, he is stable and doing well. He will need surgery pretty quickly but we have to find out how extensive the damage is. He has a fractured vertebrae in his neck, a fracture on the lower part of his skull near his neck, a serious fracture on his face (from the bridge of his nose to the outside of his eye socket) on one side, and his jaw is broken in multiple places. The rest of his body seems to be ok, just some road rash and bruising. He is still in sedation for the most part, although he really wants the intubation tubing out. I am just waiting to hear what the next step is. We are waiting on getting his MRI so that will probably be later tonight. As I know something, I will post. Thanks for praying. He will get through this.

Her strength and hope amaze me.

I just went back with Kendra to see Rick, and there was no exaggeration when she warned me that his head looked like a grape. His face and head is far more swollen than I ever imagined a face could be. His jaw is wired shut, clamped tightly around the tube in his mouth. He's bloodied and bruised.

Despite all that, he looks much better than I anticipated. He's scraped up, but not as scraped up as I expected. Kendra commented that it was quite fortunate that he still had a face, and seeing the level and type of injuries he sustained, she's quite right. The fact that his skin remained in place is a blessing indeed.

When we saw Rick, he was moving around alot. It was hard to tell if he was moving in pain or in frustration from being restrained, but he would settle every time Kendra would talk to him. It was amazing to watch his response. Apparently, he's able to follow simple commands (like squeezing hands, holding up fingers, etc.), and I think that's indicated to the doctors that the brain bleed is not as bad as once thought, though they're still not totally clear.

As for the present plan, they're waiting for the oral maxillofacial surgeon to do an assessment. They're very concerned about the broken jaw and the swelling associated with that, and worried that once the neck brace is removed, the swelling may jeopardize his airway. Once the surgeon does his assessment and the doctors are confident that his airway is secure, they'll remove his neck brace and breathing tube and send him for an MRI. That will determine the extent of his brain injury. Once that determination is made, and once the swelling is reduced a bit more, Rick will be taken back to begin surgery on his face and jaw.

At this point, I think the prayer for Rick would be good reports and quick healing. Already, he seems much better than I think anyone thought he would be. The swelling seems to be reducing faster than expected, and his very obvious responses are amazing. Continue to pray that he would heal rapidly and completely, and that the doctors would be keen to everything going on. For Kendra, pray for continued peace. Though she has friends and family rallied around her, I know it's quite stressful to parent from afar while your husband’s well-being hangs on a wire.

Prayer Request: Rick and Kendra

Please pray for my friend Kendra. Her family has been through so much these last several months, and at the moment, their situation has grown worse. Over the last several months, her husband, who was the group leader for our Sunday School class, has been dealing with some spiritual questions. Moreover, the bounds of their marital relationship was strained, and they just reunited after a time of separation.

Mere days after Kendra returned home to work on reconciliation, she was in a car accident and totaled her van. They just finished dealing with the insurance company and got a new car, then Rick had an accident on his motorcycle late last night. He was returning home after an evening out with friends when he lost control of his motorcycle. He was not wearing a helmet.

While it's so fortunate that he survived the accident, he has multiple fractures on his head. His jaw is broken, his cheek bone is broken, several other bones in his face are broken, and he has a fractured skull along with a brain bleed. At the moment, he has a breathing and feeding tube. The doctors advised Kendra that he would need multiple surgeries to repair the fractures, and right now, they have Rick in a drug-induced coma to keep the pain at bay.

While no one can say for sure what to expect long-term, Rick is already giving everyone hope. When Kendra went in to check on him a little earlier today, he had his leg propped up in his normal sleeping position. Seeing those familiar things really helps.

I'm at the hospital with her now, and while the situation is quite traumatic, she seems to be holding up nicely. After all they've been through recently, she expressed surprise that so many people have supported them so quickly and so generously. Kendra's hope is that this situation will be the catalyst Rick needs to recognize the presence of God in his life. My prayer is that as the brokenness in his body heals, God will mend the brokenness in his heart. As he's restrained, God will restrain him and capture his heart once again.

Would you please remember Rick and Kendra? Please pray for Rick's healing, that it may be complete both inside and out. Pray that his doctors would have wisdom to care for him in the best way they can. For Kendra, please pray for continued peace. Pray that God would sustain her as she stays at his side. Updates will come as they're available.