October 15: Remembering

A day does not go by that I do not consider the babies we've conceived and lost. From time to time, I'll scrawl out their dates on anything handy -- grocery store receipts, church bulletins, magazine inserts -- just to remember they were once here. I compare them to other babies I watch grow and thrive. I wonder if they would have walked as early, or have hair as full, or if they would have squinted as they smiled. I wonder what life would be like if they were living.

To carry a child in your womb is to carry a child in your heart, and when that child is gone, the heart hurts. Regardless of how the child goes, whether by choice or by circumstance, pain is left in its place. In honor of my pain, and in honor of the pain felt by many families, Congress declared October 15th to be Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on September 28, 2006 as part of House Concurrent Resolution #222.

Today, I call to mind ordinary days in which my world was utterly transformed. Winter days were once full of hope and wonder, until December 2005 when I lost my first child. Fall, my favorite season with its crisp air and glorious changes, changed forever when in October 2006, I lost my second. Springtime, a time of newness and birth, was marred by death in April 2007 when Zachary became my third loss. And summer, bright and sunny, became dark and dismal, when in August 2007, our fourth baby died. I remember you, babies. I am changed by you despite the brevity of your lives.

Today, I remember my babies. And today, I remember your babies. I acknowledge the cribs left empty. I acknowledge the clothes left unworn. I acknowledge the unfulfilled plans, and the beautiful dreams now shattered. I acknowledge the questions we're left with, and I acknowledge the grief and pain that often consumes our hearts. Today, I remember you. I know your pain. I know it well.

As I think of us today, as I remember the babies who've gone before us, I pray that your heart will be comforted, and even when it feels impossible, I pray that you will find peace.

Resources:
October 15th Website
Facts about Miscarriage
About.com: Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
M.E.N.D. - Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death
Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support
Massive Pregnancy Loss Blogroll by The Stirrup Queen
My friend Amy at For What It's Worth
A favorite blogger, Angie Smith at Bring the Rain

Congress votes to pass October 15 as
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day --
a brave acknowledgement of loss by hurting men
who made our pain "official."




In Remembrance

photo credit: jpgmag.com, gettysburgflagworks.com