Wednesday, October 15, 2008

October 15: Remembering

A day does not go by that I do not consider the babies we've conceived and lost. From time to time, I'll scrawl out their dates on anything handy -- grocery store receipts, church bulletins, magazine inserts -- just to remember they were once here. I compare them to other babies I watch grow and thrive. I wonder if they would have walked as early, or have hair as full, or if they would have squinted as they smiled. I wonder what life would be like if they were living.

To carry a child in your womb is to carry a child in your heart, and when that child is gone, the heart hurts. Regardless of how the child goes, whether by choice or by circumstance, pain is left in its place. In honor of my pain, and in honor of the pain felt by many families, Congress declared October 15th to be Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on September 28, 2006 as part of House Concurrent Resolution #222.

Today, I call to mind ordinary days in which my world was utterly transformed. Winter days were once full of hope and wonder, until December 2005 when I lost my first child. Fall, my favorite season with its crisp air and glorious changes, changed forever when in October 2006, I lost my second. Springtime, a time of newness and birth, was marred by death in April 2007 when Zachary became my third loss. And summer, bright and sunny, became dark and dismal, when in August 2007, our fourth baby died. I remember you, babies. I am changed by you despite the brevity of your lives.

Today, I remember my babies. And today, I remember your babies. I acknowledge the cribs left empty. I acknowledge the clothes left unworn. I acknowledge the unfulfilled plans, and the beautiful dreams now shattered. I acknowledge the questions we're left with, and I acknowledge the grief and pain that often consumes our hearts. Today, I remember you. I know your pain. I know it well.

As I think of us today, as I remember the babies who've gone before us, I pray that your heart will be comforted, and even when it feels impossible, I pray that you will find peace.

Resources:
October 15th Website
Facts about Miscarriage
About.com: Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
M.E.N.D. - Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death
Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support
Massive Pregnancy Loss Blogroll by The Stirrup Queen
My friend Amy at For What It's Worth
A favorite blogger, Angie Smith at Bring the Rain


Congress votes to pass October 15 as
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day --
a brave acknowledgement of loss by hurting men
who made our pain "official."




In Remembrance





photo credit: jpgmag.com, gettysburgflagworks.com

11 comments:

  • Amy

    I am remembering with you.

    While I am thankful for an acknoledgment for our losses today, I am almost overwhelmed with the gravity of the heartache that is attached to it.

    Amanda, you are so eloquent. You say all the things that my heart feels. This morning as I was writing the post for my blog, I was almost speechless... my hurting heart leaves my mind cloudy and my thoughts cluttered. Can I link to this post from my blog today? I think everyone should read your beautiful words!

    Like I have told you many times - though I would not wish it to be so for our friendship's sake, I am so very thankful to call you my sister in sorrow.

    I remember!

  • Amanda

    Absolutely, friend. You can always link here.

  • Randi

    Thinking of you today and wishing things had been different.

  • Elizabeth

    No season escapes your pain. I am so sorry for that. I'm remembering you today.

  • amy

    I love you, dear friend. And my heart aches with you today...

  • Kendra

    I feel for you and with you. You have been an amazing example of faith in the darkest of moments and I have drawn from that. Thank you for your transparency and allowing us to see His grace in you in times when it seemed the storm would never cease. Much love, friend.

  • In His Grip

    Thanks for putting online what many of us think and feel so often.
    Something would be wrong if we didn't remember. Anniversary's are not always "happy".
    I remember your family and your babies often.

  • Leslie Hargus

    my heart hurts for you. i am so sorry...again. thank you for sharing. it really means alot.

  • randi

    This is a very sweet post. Thanks for sharing your heart!

  • Happy Mommy

    Amanda, I am so sorry for your loss! I wish for you it could have all been different! So I will remember for you!

  • DeDe

    I continue to pray for you and your family - how I wish it could be different for you and hope that it will be different soon - love you!

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