Changes

My mom moved in with us a little under a month ago. She drove herself here, she walked in on her own, and she's been rapidly declining since. We've been aware of a steady decline, but we thought she was just really tired. She went out of town the weekend before she moved in. When she returned to the Metroplex, she expended all of her energy packing and preparing to move. Then she moved, and while she didn't personally do any lifting, she'd reached the point physically that doing too much of anything was taxing. Even though she was directing her moving helpers, doing that all day long was exhausting for her. Then, instead of spending the rest of her weekend hours resting, she did some unpacking. The following Monday, she had chemotherapy -- additionally exhausting -- then spent all of the next week working with her house helper to get the rest of the boxes emptied.

When all was said and done, she was absolutely worn out, and we thought that fatigue explained the changes we were seeing in her. We don't go out and do too much these days anyway, but in an effort to help her recover, we made it a point to stay close to home, but even with rest, she's continued to decline. Two weekends ago, we were able to leave her here at the house for a couple of hours while James and I took the kids to do some grocery shopping, and she was ornery enough to argue with me about something silly. By this past weekend, she'd reached a shocking level of immobility and couldn't be left alone at the house at all, the volume of her voice has decreased dramatically, and her speech is so unclear that it sounds like she's chewing on a bag of marbles. Yesterday morning, she could drink from a straw. This morning, she couldn't. By today, Wednesday, she can hardly be left to walk from room to room without a strong adult physically assisting her, keeping her and her walker from taking a spill. Even with constant companionship, she's fallen so hard and fast so many times today (and over the last few days), if she doesn't break something soon, I'll be shocked.

We knew that she would change here. We all knew she would die here, she would go through the process of dying here. It's not a surprise that she's changing, but it is a surprise just how quickly things are moving, especially since the scan she had a month ago seemed so good. She's so very different this month than she was when we went to Disneyworld in April. She's in such bad shape, there's no way we could take that trip now. The rapid pace of things make things so, so difficult. All the changes we've seen in this short amount of time is honestly stunning.

It's hard to be one of the "sandwich generation," simultaneously caring for both parent and child. Today, I had to make calls about homeschool co-op and home health care. I spoke to both an orthodontist nurse and an oncology nurse. I had to assist both my toddler and my mother in the restroom. I gathered my mother up off the ground after a fall just as I gathered up my little ones. It's difficult personally to both observe and adjust to the changes in Mom. It's challenging to walk my children through the changes, explaining to them what's going on with Nanny's health when I don't even understand. It's heartbreaking to sit with my still young mother and hold her hand as I explain to her that there is likely little that can be done now, this is probably the way things are going to be from here on, and that there's a very good chance we'll have to hire that hospice care agency pretty soon. It's hard to do it all alone.

Today, as I spent yet another hour talking to the insurance company about medical equipment, Mom made her way into the restroom without calling for me to help keep her upright. (She's fiercely hanging on to her independence, even if it means she's putting herself in danger.) I'd just been debating needs vs. coverage with the insurance liaison, explaining the physical changes observed in this short time, and defending a new request for hospital tables and portable ramps. I explained to the liason that she's falling now with some degree of regularity, several times a day now, and right in the middle of our conversation, we both heard a loud crash. Mom's leg muscles failed, and she fell so hard and fast, she destroyed the metal toilet paper holder before crashing to the hard tile floor and becoming trapped between the wall and the toilet. I tossed the phone to the side, lifted her out of her prison, and helped her finish her business before getting her safely back to her bed. It's difficult to watch her decline, to watch her struggle, to watch her hurt herself. In her heart, she's so strong and brave, but I know she's heartbroken having to rely so heavily on me. There's a certain sad look in her eyes every time I pick her up off the ground. And she apologizes so frequently, no matter how many times I tell her it is my honor and joy to serve her in this way.

By the time I got back to the liaison, I was in tears from the whole experience. When I picked the phone up again, she asked me, "Who helps you? Do you have family helping you?" Nope, no I don't. My mom's friend Cheryl is our biggest support, but other than that, it's really just us. All of our relatives live elsewhere, and they all have their own lives to live. It's cool, though. There's no obligation to show up here and to help out. Even if they were interested in helping, a few of my family members would come with so much of their own personal drama that it's a relief to me that they're far away. I'll lift Mom off the ground all by myself a hundred times a day just to avoid dealing with that brand of nonsense. I think what troubles me the most is that it seems so many of her friends (coworkers, church pals, CR sponsees, etc.) and relatives -- people she's always considered herself close to, people she's sacrificed for -- are so consumed with their lives that they don't even attempt to bother with brief visit or a short phone call. They're all just gone, not willing to deal with her dying, and that's what bothers me the most. It's that sort of thoughtless, careless, selfish behavior that I find myself having to check my heart about. Every part of this experience is work, and as in most hard situations, most of the works seems to be internal.

Though her isolation is frustrating, it's not entirely unexpected. I read On Death and Dying and Leaning Into Sharp Points before she moved in with us, and both authors prepare caregivers for this kind of isolation. The surprise again is just that it happened so fast. Writer Paul Kalina quoting hospice documentary filmmaker Jen Peedom writes, "'By and large, Western culture doesn't have processes for dealing with death... There's a funeral and then... after a month, friends expect you to get on with it and then avoid you [if you don't]. I think that we are afraid of death; it makes us feel uncomfortable and confronted and we're not given the support and structure.'" It would just be nice if there were more opportunities for respite and support. It would be even nicer if she didn't have cancer and we didn't have to deal with this at all. Alas, she does, and this is now our combined journey.

I'm taking comfort in God's word, knowing our family has taken on His charge to care for my Mom as her time on this Earth comes to a close. As we continue walking in obedience, I know He will continue to provide us with all we need whether it be supernatural strength, abundant grace, or durable medical equipment. Above all, may we honor Him as we continue to show mercy to one another here.

"And behold, a lawyer stood up to put him to the test, saying, 'Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?' [Jesus] said to him, 'What is written in the Law? How do you read it?' And he answered, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.' And he said to him, 'You have answered correctly; do this, and you will live.' But he, desiring to justify himself, said to Jesus, 'And who is my neighbor?' Jesus replied, 'A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who stripped him and beat him and departed, leaving him half dead. Now by chance a priest was going down that road, and when he saw him he passed by on the other side. So likewise a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was, and when he saw him, he had compassion. He went to him and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he set him on his own animal and brought him to an inn and took care of him. And the next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, ‘Take care of him, and whatever more you spend, I will repay you when I come back.’ Which of these three, do you think, proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell among the robbers?' He said, 'The one who showed him mercy.' And Jesus said to him, 'You go, and do likewise.'" -- Parable of the Good Samaritan, Luke 10:25-37 ESV

"Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. My brothers, show no partiality as you hold the faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory. For if a man wearing a gold ring and fine clothing comes into your assembly, and a poor man in shabby clothing also comes in, and if you pay attention to the one who wears the fine clothing and say, 'You sit here in a good place,' while you say to the poor man, 'You stand over there,' or, 'Sit down at my feet,' have you not then made distinctions among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts? Listen, my beloved brothers, has not God chosen those who are poor in the world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom, which he has promised to those who love him? But you have dishonored the poor man. Are not the rich the ones who oppress you, and the ones who drag you into court? Are they not the ones who blaspheme the honorable name by which you were called? If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself,' you are doing well. But if you show partiality, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors. For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become accountable for all of it." -- James 1:27, 2:1-10

Event Cancelled -- More on the Bible Bee

Things have not improved for us with regards to the Bible Bee study. Lessons still take a lifetime, which the kids are now growing frustrated with, and I'm still no better at teaching them memory tricks. They've gotten a few of the scriptures down, but are having a hard time with others. I've added some silly moves (like they do with the songs at church), and while the kids think it's hilarious to watch me make a fool of myself for their benefit, it seems like it's only good for a laugh and little more. I was hopeful we'd be able to attend the local event to connect with other parents doing this summer study. I really needed some tips and advice, and the kids needed to see they're not the only ones (I hope!) whose Mom has no idea what she's doing. We were also looking forward to a little fun after all this work.

Unfortunately, the local event was cancelled at the last minute and tentatively rescheduled for the day that we're supposed to have a dress rehearsal (something else I'm confused about and needed direction on). At this point, I feel lost and beyond frustrated. My plan now is to put on the brakes. I should stress that the materials are fantastic and the kids are learning loads, they're just a bit intense (for us) for a quick summer study. We'll continue with our Sword Study, but we're going to devote only a couple of days a week to it instead of the whole week, and we'll get back to our regular method of study using the Bible Bee material as our foundation until we get through the book. In fact, I think this would be a great option for people who needed a good Bible curriculum to follow, even if they weren't interested in the actual Bible Bee. As for us, there's no way that we'll be ready for any kind of competition anytime soon, but that's okay. We've gained a great deal from the program, so I already feel like we're winners.

Struggling to Study -- A Bible Bee Update

So, we've progressed with our Bible Bee Study. I don't know if we were just gung-ho to begin with, or if the lessons were easier, but the further along we've gotten, the more challenging things have become. Even if I'm standing over the kids, we can no longer make the "twenty minutes a day." I'm confident the change has not been in us -- at least not in anything we've changed or the way we're approaching the study. I think it's just a deep, progressive study that requires much more discipline than we realized (or wanted, at least during the summer). It also doesn't seem to allow any wiggle room for the things kids to in the summer, like go to camp or on vacation. We still haven't caught up from their recent week away!

The kids are troopers, not complainers, and so while the lessons are taking two or three times as long (even before drilling the memory verse cards), they're still enjoying it for the most part. Gracie says the lessons are long and there's a lot of writing to do, but they're still fun. I'm having less fun, though. I'm so busy helping -- and encouraging -- them do their work, then James and I spend time in the evening drilling stacks of memory verses. To me, this level of work is way more than I wanted for a summertime program. Maybe that seems awful to say about the study of God's word, but we generally approach studying the Bible in a bit of a different way.

We typically read aloud or do individual reading for personal study, but we go deeper by doing a bit of expository study, breaking God's word apart by understanding how it defines and describes itself. We don't struggle with reading God's word, or even understanding it. Where I struggle personally is teaching the kids how to hide the Word in their heart, or teaching memory tricks. I was hopeful this program would help me do that for them, but I don't think it's helped really. I think the program has just further exposed my teaching shortcomings, and has added pressure where we didn't want any. I haven't passed these frustrations along to the kids, though. We're still working with them, but we all feel grossly unprepared for a competition of any sort, and we don't know what to do to change or improve. I'm hopeful we can find some help at the upcoming local event, either from the event host or from other parents.

Beginning Our Bible Bee Study

Our Bible Bee materials arrived recently, and we jumped right in. I was curious to see how the whole "2 cards a week, 20 minutes a day" thing would really work to "equip and encourage a lifestyle of investing in and living out one's relationship with Christ." So far, so good. We're studying II Timothy, a book that's very dear to my heart. We've had our share of suffering over these last few years, so to walk with my children through scriptures urging them not to be ashamed of suffering -- well, that's a joy. Additionally, the book instructs on how to walk through this life as a believer in Christ, it advises on issues of godlessness, it admonishes the verity of the Word, and it urges believers to preach the Word without shame or embarrassment.


We received a Primary level Sword Study for Gracie, a Junior level Sword Study for Bub, and two Senior level Sword Study books for James and I to follow along. We also received a parent manual, two Bibles, a rule book, and two packs of scripture cards for the kids to drill and practice. We ordered two music memory CDs in the Bible version we use (ESV), but the style of music is too unusual for any of us to enjoy or use regularly. Each of the Sword Studies, however, are contemporary and full of excellent instruction. They're laid out well with a variety of alternating activities in each lesson. Gracie and Bub are both attracted to the timelines and other helpful activities. I really like the way the books are laid out for them, and I can tell even this early in the game that they'll enjoy them over the long run.

My only complaint about the curriculum is this: registration is set up in such a way that prevented us from having the kids work in the same book. The divisions are based on age, not on grade level or ability, and that could prove to be a challenge for some. Though they're 18 months apart in age, Gracie and Bub have been at the same level academically for some time now, and we teach them at the same grade level. It's been a while since we've used entirely separate books to teach them anything, so getting back into that mindset and routine has proved to be a slight challenge for me. There's not a significant amount of teaching in this material per se, but I think it would have been nicer to have been able to override the system to move Gracie up to Bub's level, or to move Bub down to hers if that were necessary. Arranging competitors by grade level (as opposed to age) might be more effective method by which to group children according to their actual abilities. My children will do fine where they're placed, but we're on that age/academic line in our home where the difference between study levels is obvious and bears mentioning (in case some sort of override is needed).

Kiddos in Cool New Shirts

Hello, Summer!

My sweet big kids have finished their fifth grade year, and both are officially "middle schoolers." I really have no idea where the time has gone. They completed the last of the computer work for their math curriculum this morning bringing the school year to an official close. After finalizing the gradebook, I dished out ice cream sundaes to celebrate. We then had a homeschool awards ceremony where I hummed "Pomp and Circumstance" while the kiddos (still in their pajamas) received homemade certificates decorated with stickers by their toddler sister. It was such good fun, and now our much needed break ensues.

Homemade Homeschool Awards
We are, however, not planning to take the entire summer off. We're going to try our hand at a bit of year-round schooling. The kiddos and I are going to work on the Bible Bee Summer Program. I've been struggling to teach scripture memory, so I'm super excited about this program. I've heard good things about Bible Bee as a whole, and I hope the program helps us all. The fun summer events planned for us are a real bonus. (Summer registration is open for only a few more days -- sign up now if you're interested.)

In addition to working on the Bible Bee, the kids will continue taking in-home piano lessons through most of the summer. They're also ready to begin working on the French and Spanish language programs we ordered from Bilingual Books at the Arlington Homeschool Book Fair. By the time the Texas heat is too much to bear (early July), I think we'll be back in full swing. My mom will be moving in with us by June 23rd, and the three littlest ladies are still on a fairly regular nap rotation, which means we will spend much of our summer right here at home. We might as well be productive, right? Plus, when extra math lessons are assigned at each "I'm bored," I think the kids will be quick to entertain themselves.

We took a last minute trip to Disneyworld last month, so we're not planning any travel this summer. Despite not having travel plans and working ahead on school, we'll still have a fun summer. We have season passes at Six Flags over Texas, so we'll spend a few days in Arlington. We'll also participate in some reading programs following the Mensa for Kids book list. We'll go to the lake and to the park. We'll do some craft projects. We'll ride bikes and take some long walks. We'll visit the neighborhood pool.

What are your summer plans? Anything exciting?

Resolved 2011: The Potty, the Paces and the Plan for Family Growth

Just like everyone else, I have a number of resolutions for the new year. Some things, like diet and weight loss, aren't even worth discussing. They just roll from year to year, as they do for most adults over the age of 24. Some things, though, are specific to 2011 and bear mentioning here.


Resolution #1: Finish up the Franken-bachelor's. This process is already in progress. I'll graduate from Texas Woman's University this summer with a B.G.S. in English and Sociology. I'll commence in May and finish my final credits in August. After that, who knows? Very likely, a break from school during which I will nap and craft. Then again, maybe not -- I can't stay too still for very long.


Resolution #2: In 2011, I resolve to potty train my youngest child. She's already shown some interest in the potty, but my hope is to have her totally out of diapers by her second birthday in July.

Resolution #3: I resolve to read the Bible in its entirely in 2011. Actually, I resolve to read it within the first 90 days of 2011. I'm taking part in the challenge on the Mom's Toolbox blog. I'm in an accountability group and everything! The study began today with the first 16 chapters of Genesis. It works out to be about 45 minutes to an hour of reading everyday, but that's doable. This is actually something I'm very excited about, and I'm especially excited that James is reading along with me (though he's not in an official group). Maybe we'll read through two times in 2011 -- who knows?


Resolution #4: This is the resolution I hate to share because it will take lots of work, commitment and determination to accomplish, but I resolve to run (not walk) my first 5K in 2011. I'm planning to do the Cool Runnings Couch to 5K program which takes just a few weeks to get even the laziest couch potato race-ready, and while I'd like to be ready for a race before the killer heat of the Texas summer, as long as I run one by December, I'm good. (There's actually a race being held in June that I'd love to run, so I'm really hoping to be ready by then -- fingers crossed and laces tied!)

As if going from the couch to a 5K weren't intimidating enough, I have this whole issue with not feeling my feet that makes me feel very afraid -- afraid of wounding myself again, afraid of another season on crutches -- but I have great footwear and I'm especially good now about looking for potential pressure points. I'm determined not to let this fear be something that keeps me from pressing on towards the goal. The fear is something else to lay down and let go of, I suppose.


Resolution #5: We're planning, once again, to grow our family through adoption. We've been researching this new venture for a while, deciding which path to take this time. We've been in contact with state agencies both in Texas and Oklahoma, we've researched international adoption from the Philippines and other countries, and we've spoken to adoption brokers, advocates, and private attorneys. For now, we've hired a social worker and have begun gathering documents and completing state and federal background checks as part of our official adoption homestudy. We have a some friends lined up as references and have only to complete our official interview.

After all the research and as we began working with the social worker, an opportunity came to us to adopt newborn twins -- a boy and a girl. They were due at the end of January, so we expected to have some time to prepare, but in the case of a premature delivery, the attorney we've been working with told us they could expedite our homestudy process since the adoption arrangement would be private and not agency-based. We got the call on December 30th (while we were in Oklahoma for the new year) that the birthmother was going in for an emergency c-section. She had advancing pre-eclampsia and was very sick. We didn't know what to do! We passed along the message that we were ready to come, but would need driving time. The c-section happened hours later than originally planned, and thankfully, the twins were born healthy and at remarkably good weights. Sadly, we got word the next morning that the birthmother decided to parent because she thought the sometimes-present boyfriend would make a great dad. Days later, we've heard that she's made despondent comments about her life being over. She's very unhappy and the boyfriend is no where to be found. We've again sent word that we're available to meet to discuss adoption options, but really, this is all entirely out of our hands. In our minds and hearts, the door is closed.

On the one hand, I deeply respect her decision to parent. I personally could not make the decision to relinquish my children for even one minute. On the other hand, I'm not super young and unhappy about the prospect of parenthood. I wish she could see all that we could be and do for them. Those babies would be a dream come true for our family, and it makes me so sad to know that they're a burden to her. It breaks my heart, really. All along, though, as we've discussed and prayed about this specific opportunity for adoption, we've prayed for God's perfect will to be done. That is still our prayer. We're trusting her decision to parent is His plan, and in that, He has a better plan to satisfy the longing that remains in our hearts. We were sure hopeful, though, that a little set of sweet baby twins was part of His plan to redeem the years of heartache and loss.

At this point, we have no specific direction for adoption. Neither of us feel comfortable connecting with an agency -- at least, not yet. We're still working on the normally-paced homestudy and hope to have it completed by the end of January. I'm hopeful we'll know how to move forward at that time, and I'm hopeful 2011 will prove to be a year of growth and blessing in the family way.




photo credit:ssu-usa.edu, allwomenstalk