A Happy Surprise: Awaiting Baby #6

In October, our family got a happy surprise. Though we were (and still are) actively waiting to adopt again, I'm pregnant! (Due early July.) We weren't trying for a pregnancy -- no medications, no timetables -- rather, we've just been extraordinarily blessed once again. After years of infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, this new pregnancy came as an absolute shock. In fact, I still feel stunned, unprepared, and completely undeserving of such a blessing a large majority of the time. I am so very grateful.

We made it through the first trimester without any significant upsets. There were a couple of precarious appointments initially, primarily related to those early first sonograms looking for the heart beat, but the issues we had were related to necessary date adjustments and not to any poor development of the baby. My initial due date was adjusted by eight days, and now baby and I are measuring right on target.

Me at 18 weeks pregnant

Another fun tidbit: this baby is a boy! After a run of little ladies, it's finally time for a little more testosterone. A misread sonogram and a misread genetic test initially led us to believe this tiny one was another little lady, but my Maternal-Fetal Medicine specialist both reread the genetic test ("Y chromosome indicated") and provided us with several clear ultrasonic images of baby boy parts. There's no denying it, and James and Bub couldn't be more thrilled! Now, if we could only decide on a name...

Waving Hello

It's a Boy!

Overnight in Austin

On Saturday, our family attended the quarterly "waiting family" support group weekend at our adoption agency. We've been active with our agency, waiting to adopt again, since the summertime. We were matched with a birthmom in December, but before we could take custody of the baby, she was pressured by her family to relinquish to a distant cousin. CPS got involved as our agency was pushed away, and ultimately, that little girl wasn't meant to be ours. Our social worker felt awful about the failed match, but we know God has a greater plan and we had peace. The social worker joked that maybe this loss meant there was a little boy in our future, but we'll see. We'd be blessed by a new little family member, regardless of gender. In the meantime, we wait -- and attend support group meetings.

Because we had to make an out-of-town trip for the meeting, we opted to make the whole weekend one of getaways. James took the day off work on Friday, and he and Bub spent the day in Houston at a baseball card convention. They added a few cards to their collections before enjoying a night in a hotel room, then we all drove in from different directions to attend the meeting.

After support group, James took Bub and the two littlest ladies home while Gracie, Brystol, and I drove to Austin. Because we were coming in in the evening, we drove straight to South Congress Avenue to browse the cool shops and hit up the food trucks. We dined on Thai food, bought sweets at Big Top Candy Shop, and tried on sunglasses and vintage clothes at a few of the shops. We picked up a couple of new Barbie dolls before heading back to the hotel room (where two happy girls played together for a couple of hours before sleeping). The next day, we enjoyed the hotel pool and hot tub before hitting up the Round Rock outlet mall on the way home. It's always so special to have some alone time with one or two kiddos. We all enjoy the individual attention and time to reconnect.

Accidental Artificial Twinning: Our Experience with Pseudo-Twins

We recently invited some friends of ours to come share their adoption story at FAM, the Foster/Adoption Ministry James and I lead at our church. Jon and Christi told their story of adopting daughters by way of both a private domestic agency adoption and an adoption through the foster care system. They had a biological son, then a short time later, they decided to adopt one more child. They wanted to adopt a male infant from Ethiopia, but after God did a work on their hearts, they decided to adopt a sibling group of four older children.

As they told their story, they shared some of the inhibitions their social worker had before walking them through their international adoption. There was an issue with birth order being disrupted. There were also concerns about "artificial twinning," a term I'd not heard until they spoke of it.

"Artificial twinning, false twinning, virtual twinning, and pseudo-twinning are synonymous terms coined to describe... genetically unrelated children born very close in age (less than eight months apart) to different birthparents being raised as siblings by the same social/legal parent(s)" [Perspectives Press]. Alternately defined, artificial twinning is "an expression used to describe unrelated children in a family whose birthdates are less than nine months apart. These can be a combination of biological and adopted siblings, adopted only, step or foster siblings" [Adoption.org].

Accidental Artificial Twins
Richard Van Deelen, Executive Director of Adoption Associates, Inc., addresses "the problem" of pseudo-twinning. "First, the adjustment demands of both children happening simultaneously may overwhelm the capacities of the parents to cope and adjust themselves. Even in normal twin birth situations, the demands of providing for both babies can be exhausting and may require the help of friends and family." He contends that in an effort "to do the best planning possible for children" and "[to protect] children by facilitating healthy placements," artificial twinning should be avoided.

Artificial twinning seems to be more common in international arrangements, in older child adoptions, and in the placement of sibling groups, but it's a phenomenon that's typically frowned upon by "responsible" adoption professionals, particularly those dealing with domestic infant adoption situations. Adoptive parents who end up with like-twins are often deemed irresponsible and selfish. Adoption professional Patricia Irwin Johnston puts it this way, "pseudo-twinning is usually not a carefully thought through goal and it comes from self-centered thinking rather than baby-centered thinking. Most of the time it reflects parents’ nearly desperate need to regain control over their family planning and to 'get' a child. Would-be parents who have 'failed' in so many ways during [infertility] treatment are often unable to believe in their potential for success in becoming parents to an extent that allows them to think in the baby-centered way that is the heart of effective parenting. They simply don’t know about or understand the need for emotional and practical preparation through a psychological pregnancy unless adoption professionals take extra, careful time to explain the concept and its benefits to them." She continues, "parents of exceptionally close-in-age babies who protest that they didn’t do this on purpose (and many take this position) are kidding themselves. Adoption doesn’t happen accidentally in the way that birth control fails."

My Little Elleigh-Bean
We have a set of pseudo-twins in Elleigh and Piper, and while we didn't purposefully seek to establish a set of artificial twins, I suppose some would say it didn't happen by accident. We felt pressed by the Lord to adopt another child, and nearly as soon as we submitted to that idea and submitted our application, we miraculously conceived another.

My Chunky Monkey, Piper
Because we didn't halt our adoption, and because I neither miscarried nor aborted the baby in my womb, we purposefully created the like-twins we're raising. In Jon and Christi's situation, they felt the Lord leading them to intentionally embrace adoptions that would both disrupt birth order and create multiple sets of artificial twins. Before their adoptions, they were well-educated by their social worker about the challenges they might face, but ultimately, they moved forward holding fast to God's peace in their hearts. James and I sincerely weighed out all the scenarios we could imagine, and still, we didn't feel compelled to halt our adoption, despite our blossoming pregnancy. Both of our families sought instruction from God's word which reads, "The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God," and for both of our families, God's promise came to pass: "Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:5b-6 ESV, Philippians 4:7 NLT).


But what about sensibility? Aren't the experts experts for a reason, what with all their expertise? Sure, they are. Shouldn't we listen to them, then? Sure, we should. It is fair to say that adoption experts and child advocates honestly care for their charges and really want what's best for the children they come in contact with. They have history and experience, they know their stuff. I'm not saying we shouldn't consider what others have to say about our situations, particularly those with some sort of authority on the matter at hand, but I am saying as Christ followers, we are not to base our decisions strictly on human authority or opinion.


Matthew 6:33 tells us to seek first God's kingdom, so do that -- go first to God's Word, ponder His character, think about what would bring glory to His kingdom, consider His heart for children and families. The Bible says, "pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you" (James 1:27 NLT). In the Psalms, it explains, "Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain... Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate" (Psalm 127:1, 3-5 ESV). In these scriptures and throughout the Word, it is clear that God is all for children and families and adoption. God is in the business of building homes and families. Rest in that as you continue seeking His plan for your life specifically.

If you're considering an adoption scenario that experts might disagree with, follow the instructions in Philippians and start praying. Before entirely embracing expertise associated with human experience, pray and still your heart to discern how the Lord would lead you. The central theme to both of our stories is that we knew that God was calling us to move outside of our comfort zones, to pursue situations that defied logic and superseded cultural reasoning. Sure, some aspects of these decisions are complicated. Jon and Christi would tell you that their everyday is not easy, and neither is ours, but I swear to you, I would not change one thing. We did what we felt compelled by Christ to do, and even on the days when we feel pulled a thousand directions, we can recall that tranquility and take comfort.


If you're considering an adoption scenario that experts might frown upon, ask others to pray for you, specifically that you might be filled with the knowledge of God's will. Colossians 1:9-12 describes believers praying for other believers as it reads, "And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light." Having a support system of praying believers is a blessing anytime, but it's vital if you're planning to adopt, especially if your adoption might be complicated or non-conventional.


Because of the specific circumstances she was born into, had her birthmother not made an adoption plan, our baby very probably would have ended up in foster care. The whole situation is very complex, though none of us knew the extent of it at the time or relinquishment and placement. Because we were motivated by the peace in our hearts and not circumstances, we knew that this baby was meant for us. We loved her from the moment we laid eyes on her. We wanted to bring her home, to care for her, to protect her. It all felt very baby-centered, not egocentric as some experts might assume. But what if our primary motivation had been all of the extenuating circumstances, or what if the opinions of experts moved us instead of God's Word? Though I was eight weeks pregnant when we got the call for newborn Elleigh, would it have been preferential to ignore the peace in my heart, that supernatural knowing that this was my daughter, and allow her to slip into a state system of care just because she might one day feel the need to compete with a sister mere months younger than her? Or what about Jon and Christi's kids -- is the risk of competition so severe that it's better for them to languish in an Ethiopian orphanage than to live with a family that loves and cares for them? Personally, I don't think so. To me, that doesn't seem sensible.


I acknowledge that as children are going through developmental experiences simultaneously, there could be some issues, and these issues may be harder for some families to manage than others. In our home, diapers blowing out simultaneously is the worst thing that we've experienced thus far. Because we do have staggering nap times, we've adjusted our lifestyle a bit, but adjustments come with every new child whether they're spaced months apart or years apart. I personally think it's better for us that we're doing all the baby things at one time instead of letting one child move entirely away from naps and diapers, only to start completely over again. An even bigger change for our family is the fact that we went from being an average-sized family with one tiny child to a large family with three little ladies at once. It seems like more of the adjustments we're making relate to having five children than to having two so close in age, and our experience is common. Many people who aren't "experts," but who are living similar lives in similar families say the same thing -- artificial twinning isn't a big deal, despite the warnings to the contrary, and children often adjust and thrive, even with a same age sibling.

We've been warned it will get worse, that the baby phase is the honeymoon. "Just wait until they all hit puberty/start dating/get married," say the naysayers. We've considered those things, but we're not worried. The Bible says, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble" (Matthew 6:25-34 ESV).

Will our like-twins resent us one day for their close spacing? I don't know. Today and everyday, I plan to point my children to Jesus as I care for and give each of them what I believe they need. Today and everyday, I will be thankful for the blessing they each are to our family as a whole. Today and everyday, I choose not to trouble myself with what may or may not happen tomorrow, resting in the confidence that God is in control both now and then.


Our like-twins are little babies right now, and though there are days that feel utterly exhausting, I genuinely love the way our story was written. Despite his aversion to like-twins, Van Deelen states, "On the positive side, a wise simultaneous placement will provide sibling companionship. There are also legitimate considerations like cost savings, reduced travel time losses, maximized time off from work for the primary caregiver, etc." There have been many advantages to having similarly-aged little sweethearts in our home, and I would not choose to do any portion of this life differently.




Linking To: Raising Arrows, Growing Home, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Far Above Rubies, Teaching What is Good, The Better Mom, Monday Musings, Works for Me Wednesday, Women Living Well, Big Family Friday, Heart 4 Home, Time Warp Wife, Encourage One Another, Gratituesday, Raising Homemakers

The Hard on This Side of the Hard

One year ago yesterday, Valentine's Day, we had a home study done in the hopes that we'd be chosen to adopt one day, someday. I remember that day, how stressful it was, how we anticipated just the most awful experience of our very worst skeletons tumbling out of our closets. I remember wanting to make a pact with James promising to be honest, just not too honest, about who we are as parents, because man, we need grace. But in the end, I think that might have been our answer to "What kind of parents are you?" The kind that needs lots and lots of grace. Now, let me tell you about Jesus.

Four weeks later, we had a new baby. Six months later, we had another.

Over the holidays, we spent a weekend with my dearest friend, Marcie. We hosted a little get-together for her and her family in celebration of their new home. During the party, a friend of hers asked why we didn't consider adopting an older child. She knows our hearts are open to adopt again, and the gap in our family is glaring. (Our second child is a very mature nine-year-old, and our third child is as two as two can be.) For me, there is weight there, there was waiting there, there is no vacancy in that gap. It's full of babies. Full.of.babies. And it's full of the grace I needed to survive, and get off the couch, and breathe in and out, and care for the children I'd already been given, and take vacations, and have birthday parties, and try again and again and again for more babies. That gap led to a particular authority with which I can say, "Now, let me tell you about Jesus."

Yesterday, as the kids anxiously anticipated chocolates from their cupid Daddy, I just kept thinking of how our whole world has been turned upside down in the course of one year, how Love took the love that we had and multiplied it beyond our wildest dreams. When I took the kids to a homeschool Valentine's Day party and every.single.adult commented on how full my hands were, what a production it must be for me to leave my home, and how amazing it is that one person can carry that many diaper bags at once, I'd reply sweetly, but I just kept thinking, "I know! I know! Can you even believe it?! Now, let me tell you about Jesus."

This house, my arms, they are full of babies. Full.of.babies. Never-ending laundry piles cover my couch. Three sizes of diapers overflow the basket they're stored in. There are toys and books everywhere. Somebody pooped in my bed. I am exhausted, and hours after bedtime my ears continue ringing from the constant noise. Every day, I need that same grace to survive, and get off the couch, and breathe in and out, and care for the children I've been given, and take vacations, and have birthday parties.

But long division finally clicked. A symphony of armpit farts is one of the funniest things. Raspberries are a silly sign of discontent. Somebody else pooped in the potty -- finally. Maybe because of that weighty, grace-filled gap, I well know how blessed I am, even though it's hard on this side of the hard. And that grace -- it is constantly available. Thank you, Jesus.

"I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.
I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound.
In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret
of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.
I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

-- Philippians 4:11-13 ESV

Because You Can't Backdate a Baby (A Wrap-up of Sorts)

I'm notorious for backdating posts, setting aside my very busy life for a while to catch the blog up with all our goings-on. But you can't backdate a baby, or the finalization of an adoption, or the progression of terminal cancer, or the decision to begin homeschooling again, or Christmas. So, I won't. I'll allow the space in this blog to remain to mark the overwhelming spiral that has been my life of late, and here at the very end of 2011, I'll look ahead and plan to stay more in touch with the blogosphere, documenting our nonsense for all who care to keep track.

2011 has been a doozy of a year. James and I were discussing recently that this year our friends have taken it upon their sweet selves to bring us meals on five different occasions for entirely different needs. For someone who doesn't like to ask for nor receive help from other people, that might indicate just how overwhelming our year has been. For a solid week, I've been dedicating daily time to this post -- this one right here -- trying to bullet point all our year, but a week later, I was only able to list our year through June, so I ditched that effort in favor of this very quick update.

Our year was busy and overwhelming. We decided to adopt, we got pregnant, we were matched with a newborn seven weeks after our initial application, my mom got cancer and underwent six rounds of chemotherapy, I traveled to New York City with my friend Marcie, my pregnancy progressed and I indulged my insane nesting compulsions, I attended school full-time, I finished my degree with concentrations in English Literature and Sociology, we enclosed part of our game room to make way for baby, we spent a week in Florida with our friends Marcie and Tobey, we drove from Texas to Iowa to buy a Dodge Sprinter (a van large enough for our growing family), I continued to help lead the infertility/pregnancy loss support ministry at my church, we finalized Elleigh's adoption, we had a baby (hello, Piper!), we celebrated birthdays and holidays, we used season passes to a nearby water park, We traveled to Oklahoma and throughout Texas a number of times, I assisted my sister-in-law as she labored with my newest little nephew, my mom underwent prophylactic brain radiation and had an awful reaction to it (spending a touch-and-go week in the ICU), we traveled to speak on a parent panel at our adoption agency, we were invited to lead the Foster/Adoption ministry at our church, I began homeschooling Bub again, and then we celebrated Christmas. Whew. I know I'm leaving some stuff out, and even this is just the big stuff. This doesn't even begin to cover the neverending laundry pile that five children generate.

And that's the other thing: FIVE CHILDREN. Our Christmas card last year featured our little family of five. Five total. Now, we have five children! Our family has grown so much in one year's time that I couldn't even bring myself to go buy stamps for this year's cards. I chuckle thinking back to my 2011 resolution post, the one I posted right after a "failed" adoption. I wrote, "All along, though, as we've discussed and prayed about this specific opportunity for adoption, we've prayed for God's perfect will to be done. That is still our prayer. We're trusting her decision to parent is His plan, and in that, He has a better plan to satisfy the longing that remains in our hearts. We were sure hopeful, though, that a little set of sweet baby twins was part of His plan to redeem the years of heartache and loss... I'm hopeful 2011 will prove to be a year of growth and blessing in the family way." Clearly, I had NO IDEA what God had in store.

I still don't.

I feel hopeful here at the beginning of 2012. Though I'm in survival mode right now, still nursing constantly, still not sleeping through the night, I feel like there are good things on the horizon. Of course, there are those not-so-good things, too -- there always are -- but regardless of what's coming my way -- good or bad -- I know the Lord is constant and in control. We're open to more family growth, but we're very likely not pursuing another child this year at all. I need some sleep! We are hoping to sell our current house in favor of a "forever" house, but with the market as it is, that will take some serious miracles. Then, with regards to my mom, she still has cancer, and it's still considered terminal, but she's feeling healthy and her most current scans look really good. I'm hopeful she'll live through all of 2012.

Whatever the year holds for us, I pray your year is amazing,
full of all manner of good things.


Blessings to you and yours...

On Open Adoption and Visiting the Birthparents

We were very apprehensive about moving into an open adoption arrangement. Though we knew the benefits to having access to the birthparents, and though we understand the benefit to their having access to baby, we were very concerned about what that relationship would look like for our family. We were afraid we wouldn't be able to handle the dynamics of the relationships. So far, though, our open adoption arrangement has gone better than expected.

When we initially got Elleigh, we decided to exchange cell phone numbers with the birthmom. She was very sweet and we felt like we'd like to remain in contact with her. Over the month, we've had a number of very pleasant text conversations, and I've been able to send her some pictures of Elleigh over these first few weeks. We've had more contact than we planned, but we also understand she's young and coping with a loss. In light of that, it's been a pleasure to bring her some comfort.

We also offered to meet her when we returned to the agency for our first adoption support group meeting. That meeting was this weekend. We planned to meet her at a restaurant in her home town, but at the last minute, our meeting was moved to the agency. We'd be meeting the birthfather for the first time, and our social worker felt that initial meeting should be done with a worker present to answer questions, facilitate conversation, etc.

We were nervous about meeting the birthfather, but he was very gracious and expressed thanks for our adopting Elleigh. Both he and birthmom cuddled the baby and took pictures with her. Birthfather compared Elleigh to his other children and agreed with us that she looks just like her birthmother. It was awesome to spend some time with both of them. We're hoping to see them both again when we return to the agency for our next meeting in June.

Itty-Bitty Baby Helper

Brystol loves Elleigh and is a great itty-bitty baby helper!

That Was My Monday, How Was Yours?

Monday began as a day like most every other day. James was at work, there were chores to be done. The kids were on Spring Break, but we had no plans to do anything special. I logged into my online classrooms to happily discover all of my deadlines had been postponed so I could celebrate Spring Break too. I spent about an hour Monday morning working ahead on some coursework before deciding I'd better dedicate my free time to finishing our life book. If we ever hoped to be presented to birth moms by our agency, completing that book was a necessary step. I logged off the computer and began setting out some lunch for the kids.

Before lunch was totally served, the phone rang and the Caller ID reflected the number for our adoption agency. I thought our social worker was calling with an update on the progress of our home study report, or maybe with some last minute questions. The week before, he had all of our documents -- references, background checks, financial reports, tax returns, etc. He'd completed our interview and had a copy of the home study we completed during our first adoption. One week prior, he was about 75% through pulling it all together and synthesizing it into one master document.

I answered the phone to some small talk with our social worker. How was the weather? Did we have any plans for spring break? Was James out of town for work? Nothing unusual -- until he said, "Well, maybe I can change your plans this week." I was confused by his statement, but the social worker began telling me about a "Baby Born" situation. A little girl had been born three days earlier. Her birth mother wasn't from the area -- she was in town visiting friends when she went into labor. She'd planned to relinquish her baby throughout the pregnancy, but she never made an adoption plan. She connected with the agency while in the hospital. Initially, the agency presented her with another family -- a family with all of their documents in place who had a life book on file -- and she chose them to parent her baby. This family had traveled in, excited to adopt this tiny girl. They'd stayed with her from the time of her birth, but just that morning, they notified the agency that they were unable to move forward with the adoption. They said they were having some family issues and felt that the two children they'd already adopted completed their family. With heavy hearts, they left baby in the hospital and headed home again.

By this time, both the birth mother and birth father had relinquished their parental rights and the agency was the legal conservator for the baby. Even though it had only been SEVEN WEEKS since we sent in our initial adoption interest form, and though we had a little bit of work to do to pull the last of our documents together, they thought we would be the perfect family for her. Were we interested? Uh, yes! James and I talked in depth about the opportunity before us, and we had a couple of conference calls with the agency to get some background information before leaving town, but within four hours of the initial phone call, we were on the road to meet our daughter.

We met the agency workers in the hospital lobby around 9:00, and they took us to the NICU. There, they made copies of our IDs and accepted documents from the agency naming us as the adoptive parents. The agency workers stayed with us for about an hour. They were there to answer any questions and to be available as the nurses gave us a health update on the baby (a good report!). After an hour, they both slipped out, leaving us to bond with the baby. We named her Elleigh, a name that means "Shining Light" and "Most Beautiful Woman." We gave her the middle name Nicole, a middle name she shares with her birth mother.




We stayed with the baby for a while, but had to get back to the other three kids who were hanging out at Uncle Jerald's house. We got everyone settled into bed at the house, but neither James nor I could sleep. This was better than Christmas! After tossing and turning, I got up, showered, and went back to the hospital around 2:00 A.M. to do the middle-of-the-night feeding. Better get back into practice, right? I stayed until close to 4:00 A.M., then returned to the house for a short nap before shift change at the hospital. I slipped out again before anyone else was awake and stayed with Elleigh until her doctor made his rounds and determined she was ready to be discharged. While the nurses worked with Case Management to make sure all the proper documents were in order, I filed for medical records to be released. Then, I returned to collect James and the kiddos for a day at the agency.

At the agency, we both asked and answered a few last minute questions, then we signed document after document in preparation to take our baby home. Once our paperwork was complete, the social worker designated to work with the birth mom drove over to pick her up so she could come to the agency to spend some time with us. Our social worker ran out to pick up lunch for everyone.


Those moments waiting to meet the birth mom were so tense! We were so worried she wouldn't like us or she would think her little baby filling the #4 spot was unacceptable. Agony! But after only a little while, the most amazing young woman came into the room. She was just so lovely -- physically beautiful, sweet-spirited, soft-spoken. She hugged us when she met us. She laughed at Brystol's antics and didn't seem at all put-off that baby Elleigh was going to have three silly siblings. She asked us some very important questions and answered all of ours. She was simultaneously strong and sorrowful, and her love for this little girl was overwhelmingly undeniable. Meeting this amazing young woman was, without a doubt, one of the most poignant experiences of my life.

When the hospital called to say everything was in order for discharge, the social workers felt it would be best if we went to the hospital together. The worker sat in the waiting room with Bub, Gracie and Brystol, while James and I sat with the birth mom in the NICU as she said her very sad goodbyes to baby Elleigh. In all that we'd done to prepare for those moments, despite the times we were told about the grief that accompanies adoption, we felt completely unprepared for the grief the birth mom obviously felt. Perhaps it would have been easier for us if we'd had time to build a relationship in advance of placement, but watching her mourn was so heartbreaking. We did all that we could to comfort her while giving her space to grieve -- we waited with patience, we handed her tissues, we prayed for and with her. Still, that gut-wrenching sorrow made the joy we felt seem so awful. It was challenging to reconcile it all.


After birth mom spent some time with Elleigh, she left the room before the baby was discharged. James went to the waiting room with the kids, and I collected Elleigh and all her things. The kids saw the baby for the first time in the hallway of the hospital, and right away, they were totally taken with her.




The birth mom and her social worker were outside the hospital, waiting for us. We hadn't really been given instruction on what to do at this point, but we knew the plan right then was to return to the agency for a just a little more one-on-one time. We noticed the worker kept making comments about the baby in our family. They waited to watch us load everyone into our van, then the worker waited to pull away until after we were already driving off. I don't know that this is the case, but to me, it seemed as if she were sort of arranging scenarios so the birth mom could see her baby leaving, sort of forced closure, making things final. We wanted to be sensitive to the birth mom's heart, so even these small things were a challenge for us.

Within our car, though, there was joy. James and I were excited and the kids were through-the-roof thrilled. Brystol was a bit confused as all the way from the hospital back to the office she repeated "baby, baby, baby" in case we weren't sure there was an extra passenger on board. Before we pulled up to the agency, we instructed the kids to put their excitement on a bit of a hold for just a little while. We all wanted to be sensitive to the birth mom whose heart was hurting very much. The big kids understood and complied, but Brystol was just way too excited about the baby. She walked all the way into the agency with her hands on the car seat still repeating "baby, baby, baby." Fortunately, this served as a bit of comic relief and even the birth mom couldn't help but chuckle at how excited and loving Brystol was already.




We spent about an hour at the agency before we had to make our exit. Because we'd rushed out at the agency's phone call, we hadn't thought to grab the travel crib or any clothes for the baby. We had the car seat and absolutely nothing else! We needed to get home to the baby bed and all of our things. Oddly, we were unsure how to leave. It's not everyday someone gives you a baby to take home for good! Do you just say, "Hey, thanks! We'll see ya!" and head on out, or is there a process? Fortunately, both social workers came in to guide us through this part. They told the birth mom it was time for us to go, then they prayed for all of us. They gave her the choice on who to hand the baby off to. After she gave us the baby, she stepped outside to make a call, and when she did, the social workers told us to just go. They said that there was no need for delay, just take our family and walk out the door, and we did just that, though it felt absolutely awful. (I think this was another one of those closure moments they wanted the birth mom to have etched in her mind -- us walking away with our new daughter.) The worker followed a step or two behind us and was immediately present to comfort the birth mom as we passed her by.

The whole experience was so bittersweet -- such joy mingled with such sorrow. We felt so blessed, but at the same time, we felt so bad. We kept going back to the wise words our social worker shared when he told us this was her choice, she knew it to be right, and though it was so hard for her, we were the only source of hope she had for her daughter.

About three hours later (as we were still on the road towards home), the birth mom texted me to see how we were and how baby was. The conversation was amazing, and we were able to express our deep gratitude towards one another. We felt so grateful for the blessing of this baby, but before we could even say that, the birth mom thanked us for loving Elleigh and for making her a part of our family. What an amazing woman!

We've had a happy few days at home now. Friends and family have celebrated with us and showered us with new mommy meals and lots of baby essentials. We've had a couple more incredible text conversations with the birth mom, we shared some pictures by e-mail, and we planned to connect with her in person as we travel through her home town next month. As for baby, Elleigh is so easy and so precious -- we're all in love! She's eating well and sleeping well and she's tolerating all the passing around we do. It has all felt bit overwhelming from time-to-time, and though we are so thrilled, the fact that the Lord opened this door for us in this way and in this short amount of time, and the fact that this sweet birth mother entrusted this little one to us for life blows our mind now and again. Finding our routine and adapting to life with a new little one is helping us to feel like this is our amazing reality and less overwhelming and imaginary. Still, we feel like we should pinch ourselves to wake up from this happy dream! We're so grateful for those who have walked and continue to walk this path with us, and we're so grateful to God for this astonishing gift. We are so very blessed!

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly
than all that we ask or think,
according to the power at work within us,
to Him be glory..."

Ephesians 3:20-21 ESV

A Month in a Minute

I noticed this morning that it's been nearly a month since I updated my blog. One reason is that I've not been able to log into Google to access my Blogger account. I've reset my password several times and tried a number of things, but everytime I tried to log on, the path appeared to go somewhere, but it would never log on. I downloaded Google Chrome this morning, and surprise -- all my Google accounts work again. I have only a minute, so I'll give a quick across-the-board blog update now.

Adoption: We are in process. The social worker from our agency drove up on Valentine's Day to complete our home study. We've honestly worried about this process for years. The first home study we had (before we adopted Bub) felt so long and invasive that we just dreaded the one we'd have to do for this adoption. But, because we had all the information on that first home study and because we were very thorough in completing our very long adoption questionnaire, the actual home study interview was a piece of cake. The social worker did want to clarify some things and to get a bit more information, but for the most part, he just clarified his understanding of the answers we provided. He toured our house, interviewed the kids, then interviewed us all together. At the end of the day, he said he was excited to welcome us into the program and encouraged us to begin working on our life book while he wrote up the first draft of the study.

As of today, he's about 75% through with that first draft, and we should get a copy by Friday. We're at the early stages of our life book. We've completed all the documents to be included in our life book, we've devised an outline of the photo layout, and we've scanned and printed photos to include in the book. We'll have to print a few more photos down the line, but we have enough to get started. We just have to find/make the time to get started! I was hoping to complete and submit the life book by the end of February, but I've revised that goal and now hope to ship it off by the end of this month.

School: Part of my absence can be attributed to my busy school schedule. I'm at the midpoint of the spring semester, so things are REALLY busy. Additionally, I've been trying to work a bit ahead so that I can go to New York later this month and not have to log in to class (at least not as often as I generally have to log in to class). Three of four classes are going well. The fourth class is awful. I'm taking a Family Science class called Family Resource Management, and while the information is great, the instructor is terrible. She doesn't log in to the online classroom, she doesn't open discussion links or assignment shells, she doesn't grade work, and she doesn't reply to e-mails -- all problems in a 100% online course. I called the department head last week to address some of the issues we all were having and a couple more grades have posted, but there are still a number of issues to work out. Hopefully things will improve by week's end.

In other news, I picked up my cap and gown and ordered graduation announcements this week. Though I won't officially graduate until August, I'll commence in May -- just two more months! I met with my grad advisor to map out the last nine hours I'll need to complete after this semester. If all works out as we hope it will, I'll take one class during the "Maymester" and two more classes over the first half of summer. I'll complete my coursework by July 9th, and then I will take a long and much needed nap. For a while, I was thinking about continuing on with school, taking advantage of the routine I'm already in, but with the adoption looming ahead and some other things we have going on, I think it's a really good time to take a break from school and just focus on my family. I honestly feel a little bit anxious about how I'll fill the time now filled with British Literature and Sociology exams, but I'm sure I'll manage. I'm hoping a good bit of my new free time will be spent in the hobby room.

Kids: Everyone is pretty much the same. Even though we have nothing planned, the kids are excited about Spring Break next week. I'm excited to have them home and hope that we can do a few fun things around town. We're all ready for summer. We just ordered season passes for a new waterpark opening in a nearby town. We also registered the kids for summer camp -- their first ever. They're so excited to go, but we feel a bit nervous. We're confident Gracie will have fun and do well, but Bub is our wild card. I keep reminding myself of the fact that these counselors are excited to work with kids and they have experience dealing with kids who require a bit more attention. I think if he can focus and think about that action-to-consequence sequence, he'll have a really great time.

Brystol is growing. At nineteen-months-old, she's way too big for her britches. She's such a fun kid, but lately she's been working on developing her big, bad attitude. She tries to have a fit when she gets frustrated, but many times she gets distracted by the fact that we're laughing at her and the whole situation diffuses. Her vocabulary is increasing rapidly and she's working on forming sentences and using commands. Last night, she patted the edge of the bathtub and said, "Mommy, sit." She also pretends to read books by talking about all the pictures in the books, and when she's through, instead of saying "the end," she says "amen." It's so fun to watch her grow!

An Agency Decision and Application

After reading lots of online reviews and Better Business Bureau reports on our top three agencies, we've decided to move forward with the little local agency. We met the agency workers in person two years ago when we attended the education weekend and had our initial intake interview. We appreciate their genuine hearts for adoption and feel really secure investing with them, both emotionally and financially.

We completed our first giant stack of paperwork and mailed it out yesterday -- an updated parent fact sheet, the adoption questionnaire/application, faith statements, and our receptivity forms. Now, we wait for the official program acceptance letter and the home study interview appointment. (Because knowing us more personally helps with the matching process, the agency social worker wants to be the one to complete our home study, so we'll stop working with the local worker and pass along what we've already done.)

Stepping Out and Changing My Heart

As we've prayed about agency choices, I've continued to pray for our would-have-been birthmom and the twins she's now parenting. For the last couple of days, I've felt strongly compelled to send a little something her way -- practical things, things I know she needs -- to show that we wholeheartedly support her choice to parent and harbor no ill feelings towards her. As we were getting ready for bed last night, I told James how I was feeling, but he was reserved -- he didn't want my gesture to come across incorrectly or for it to seem like we were stalking her or her babies. Initially, I agreed with him and decided to ignore the burden on my heart.

By this morning, though, that burden was back and stronger than ever, so I decided to go against what my husband thought -- not normally something I'd recommend. On Black Friday, I stocked up on boxes of baby wipes, so I snagged a box from the storage shelf and headed towards Babies R' Us. I had some coupons and reward dollars from some Christmas purchases I made, so I justified my plans by committing to keep my spending around what I could pass along for free or for very little money. The closer I got to Babies R' Us, though, the more I worried James was right. Maybe she wouldn't understand my gesture as one of genuine love and honest support and maybe I would seem like a stalker.

In my concern, I didn't call my husband -- I called my mom. I told her what I'd felt and what I thought I was supposed to do, then I asked her if she thought it was weird. "No, I don't think it's weird, I think it's nice, but here, talk to D." D is the babies' grandmother, and she played a significant part in connecting us with her daughter. She and my mom were working together today. After the adoption didn't work out, I didn't really expect to talk to her again, but she seemed very happy to talk to me and apologized for things not working out as we'd all hoped. I assured her we were fine and that we were so honored to have ever been considered as possible parents for the babies. Despite that arrangement falling apart, God is faithful and He has a plan for us.

I explained to D that we've been praying about our next step and the agency we're to work with. (Side note: we've decided we're going with the little local agency we loved so much before having Brystol). I continued by telling her that I've still been praying for birthmom and the babies. I shared that I felt impressed to pick up some diapers and essentials as a gesture of love and support, but that I had concerns about my offering being offensive or coming across as predatory. D was overjoyed. She said my gift would be a tremendous blessing, that birthmom was completely overwhelmed and deeply struggling. She said that birthmom was in a very hard place financially and was actually coming up within the hour to go to the store with D to pick up diapers -- diapers D couldn't actually personally afford to buy.

At that point, I called my husband for forgiveness (because sometimes it's easier to get forgiveness than permission -- ha!). I relayed the conversations and told him I was outside of Babies R' Us, then I confirmed it would be okay for me to buy a few things. When he knew the gift would be well-received and wouldn't seem weird, he was behind it, so I picked up some diapers and a few other essentials and headed towards the Home Depot where my mom works. I just planned to drop the stuff with a note, but about ten minutes before pulling in, D called me to say birthmom was so grateful for our gift and wanted to talk to me. She gave me her number and encouraged me to call. So, I did.

I'm so glad I did.

All the "conversations" we had before the babies were born were mediated by our respective moms, or were between me and Grandma D. Several times, James and I offered to meet birthmom and her boyfriend to let them get to know us better, but birthmom was scared and boyfriend was oppositional. Talking to her today was so natural and easy. She talked to me like I was an old friend and went on about how overwhelming parenthood is. I did my best to encourage her and I promised it would get easier. She said if she hadn't decided to parent, I was definitely the mom she would have picked for her kids. "Thank you," I replied, "I would have been honored." I told her I was on my way to the store to drop off the things I'd collected, and she said she was on her way up to meet me there.

Birthmom was so beautiful-- just a regular girl in a puffy black jacket with hair dyed pink and a rhinestoned bow. She noticed my nose ring and compared it to hers. She thanked me for the diapers and asked if I wanted to see the babies. I did, of course I did.

The babies were so beautiful -- scrunched little bundles of honey skin with tufted black hair, perpetually drowsy. They looked like Gracie as a baby, a small version of James. We visited for a few minutes, and when we parted ways, I did not feel sad. Sure, those sweet babies were perfect and would have been wonderful additions to our family, but they were perfectly hers and my heart was at peace.

Meeting this birthmom today was such a blessing. As long as we've planned to adopt (both before Brystol and of late), I've had some concerns about open adoption. Our situation with Bub is special. We've heard amazing stories about open adoption, but our adoption story with Bub is different, and we can't look to it as an example of something we can hope for in the future.

When we began exploring open adoption and had to consider including a birthmom in our lives for the long-term, Bub's birthmom is the sort of birthmom that came to mind. Long story short, the thought of inviting someone like her into our stable lives is not something I've ever personally been very excited about. We expressed concern to our social worker, even asked about the possibility of having an anonymous adoption, but he assured us that, when the time comes, God would bring the right match to our family -- both baby and birthmom. He reminded us that, even then, we have choices and can negotiate for things that make us comfortable. Still, I've remained unsure about that relationship.

Stepping out and doing something unconventional today led to a face-to-face meeting with our would-have-been birthmom, and meeting her both opened my eyes and changed my heart. She wasn't an angry and aggressive person. She wasn't high or strung out on anything. Nothing about our conversation was forced, uncomfortable, or frustrating -- we talked easily like we'd known each other for a good, long while. We hugged when we parted. She was just a regular girl who wanted the best for her babies, and who, at one point, thought adoption might be that best thing.

Sure, she didn't choose me to parent her children, but today she showed me that there are indeed nice, normal people out there considering the adoption option, and that what I've always assumed will be an impossible relationship might not be so bad after all.





photo credit: tensionnot.com

Agency Options and the Financial Aspect

With regards to an agency, we're still undecided.

We had a very good conference call with the firm in California, and we have another call scheduled later this week, but we're not sure at this point if we'll retain them. Though we personally know two families who have grown with their assistance, and though they have a number of excellent reviews, they also have some very bad reviews. We've read everything we can find on them with open hearts and minds, knowing that these processes are emotionally-charged and some of the negative comments about them can come from hearts still reeling from the pain of infertility and/or loss. Still, the points that were made drum up legitimate concerns for us that could make or break the whole deal. When we spoke to our case worker, we brought up these issues, and while she responded to them, her responses were generic (as they had to be) and didn't necessarily leave us feeling at ease.

For the sake of the privacy of friends who have or who are still working with them, I've tried to figure out how to address some of our concerns here without divulging too much of the financial information, but I can't figure out how to do that and make any kind of sense. Still, I'm going to do my best. E-mail me if you feel you need specifics.

First of all, let me say that adoption is expensive. Unless you're taking advantage of a foster-to-adopt program through a state agency, you're going to spend thousands to grow your family through adoption. Right now (2011), the government allows a tax credit of $13,170 to reimburse adoptive families for some of their expenses. Additionally, the military and some employers provide adoption reimbursement programs as part of an employer benefits package. James' employer provides a sizable adoption benefit, and the combination of these two things will go a long way towards covering our personal adoption expenses. In many cases, the two combined will cover our expenses in full.

The agency in California is essentially an adoption facilitation agency. That means they facilitate the relationship between a birth family and adoptive family, sort of like a recruiter or matchmaker. This group actively pursues birth parents through advertising and through relationships at maternity homes, clinics, etc. They invest a great deal of money both in advertising and in screening potential birth moms, eliminating those who are just thinking about adoption, and only taking on parents who are committed to the process. Because they financially invest in developing this pool of birth parents, they have a proven history of matching families very quickly, often in as little as four months, but because the process is so thorough, the birth families are so well-screened, and the process has the potential to be so short, the initial financial investment for the adoptive family is pretty substantial.

What we'd be expected to invest with this group alone would completely consume both our tax credit and our employer benefit. Birth mom expenses, finalization expenses, legal fees, and various other charges would pass through to us, and we could conservatively be expected to spend an additional $5,000-15,000 above the fees for facilitation. If circumstances were special, that number could jump even higher. All of the funds aren't due in advance -- a large sum is due with the contract and initiates the process, and the balance for facilitation is due when a birth mom is interested in matching with the adoptive family. Fees for documentation, legal fees, and other expenses are paid later to different groups or individuals. In total, the cost of working with this group to secure a domestic adoption arrangement costs about as much as adopting internationally.

While the money is not the issue, one of the issues we had did relate to the money. As most agencies do, this agency promises to rematch families if the originally matched birth mom backs out of the agreement. A complaint we read before our consultation was related to this promise. Every family signing a contract spends virtually the same amount, but the second amount -- the match fee -- is not due until a match is made. The family who complained said that this group did indeed connect them with a birth mom within a short amount of time, but she backed out soon after the match, and they'd been waiting over two years for a rematch. They accused the group of only presenting families who would still be required to pay the match fee, ignoring those who would owe no more money. When we asked our consultant about this complaint, she reminded us of a number of things that could delay a match -- preference in sex or race, preferences about birth parent behavior, etc. She said it was likely that particular family's specifications that delayed their match, and while she's very probably right, we still felt concerned.

Part of the reason we're pursuing adoption right now is because we know the process takes time, often years. We would like to grow our family sooner rather than later, but right now, waiting does not concern us. The opportunity for those twins -- presented privately and due so soon after matching -- was an exception, not the rule. We're working on this now, anticipating a somewhat lengthy waiting period. Still, waiting more than two years after such a substantial financial investment? No thanks. I imagine we'd be free to go with another agency at that point, but we'd just be out the initial $XX,XXX, and without a placement, we couldn't file to get that money back from anyone.

The little agency we planned on working with before discovering we'd conceived Brystol had only ever had one family wait longer than two years for a placement, and even that family felt comfortable waiting that long. (I got the impression that they'd declined matches, although I cannot confirm that.) We recently had another call with that agency, and while they only had eight placements last year, they only have five waiting families right now with another baby due tomorrow. If all goes as planned, they'll have four active families by the weekend. Four additional families are in the process of completing their homestudies and will begin being presented soon.

When we met with the staff of this agency in person, we really liked them and we trusted them. We felt secure giving them our money -- though the don't require any until a match is made. We're already a couple of steps ahead with this group -- we participated in the pre-application seminar a couple of years ago, and we've been invited to a refresher meeting at no additional cost. We're a few steps into the process of our homestudy, so that agency would complete it with us and could begin presenting us to birth moms as early as the end of February. Match through finalization with this agency is about 25% of the cost of the group in California because birth parent services, including counseling, are paid for by charitable contributions from the community. This little group really strives to minister to both families, adoptive and birth, and they work hard to keep total adoption expenses below the federal tax credit. If we chose to go with this agency, we could very likely designate the entire benefit provided by James' employer to cover the medical and/or living expenses of the birth mom, which would, I think, put us at a significant advantage. What is not advantageous aboutb this little agency is the very small number of matches per year, and the fact that this group does no advertising.

I've been reading about an agency in Georgia that seems to me to be a happy medium. While they aren't as aggressive about advertising as the California group, they do advertise. They advertise both to promote adoption as a general option and to promote specific families, and they advertise both in print and electronically. Also, I'm not sure yet how they do it, but somehow they have the ability to keep costs low in Texas. I don't know if they have a local agency office, but they quote low travel costs and low finalization fees, and they promote no need for Out-of-State agency (ICPC) fees. The overall listed expenses fall in between the two other options we've most closely considered. This group is a more expensive option than the little local agency, but they still fall well below the facilitation fees of the first agency (and that's not even considering the additional expenses due to people outside of the California group). Additionally, there's still room in our reimbursable funds for some unexpected charges before we'd be required to personally absorb expenses.

We feel a little guilty so carefully considering the financial aspect of this process, but the reality of our situation is that we already have children to care for and support. While it's true that we have access to a good bit of adoption assistance, it's all in the form of reimbursements and won't be returned to us for some time after placement -- maybe even a year or more. There are grants available for adoption, but the majority seem to be need-based (for which we don't qualify) or they're for international adoptions (an option we're not pursuing). There are also interest-free loans available for adoption, but at this point, we don't feel comfortable financing this process. Since we'll be paying for all of this in advance and entirely out-of-pocket, we anticipate some sacrifice to see this through, but we don't want to spend so much on a child that we might not have for a long while that we have to say "no" to many of the normal, everyday expenditures for the children we have already.

Biblical Infertility and About Moving On

James and I have been working diligently on our Bible in 90 Days reading program. It really is so awesome to discuss obscure Biblical facts with my husband, and to wonder aloud together about all kinds of things that happened way back when. I love reading verses about how people straight wore the Lord out, and how He calls them stiff-necked because of their grumbling and wants to eliminate them from the Earth (but then He doesn't because He's moved with compassion and is faithful to honor His promises).

A couple of interesting things I've noted throughout the earliest portion of the Old Testament is the frequency of infertility, as well as the regular mention of barrenness and miscarriage. Honestly, it's quite astonishing to me how much barrenness is addressed in the Old Testament. I knew of the famous infertile -- Sarah, Hannah, Rachel -- but even passing passages talk about those wombs being closed, these other wombs being newly opened, and so on. I know that we're fearfully and wonderfully made being knit together in our mother's womb by the Lord, so I totally know He controls all that there is to control when it comes to the perpetuation of the human race. It just surprises me that the issue of fertility (or the lack thereof) is something so regarded by God that it's mentioned time and again.

Something else I noticed was a lineage of infertility. God made a promise to Abraham to make him a great nation, saying that his infertile wife Sarah (who'd already gone through menopause) would bear him a son through which a family would grow, outnumbered only by the stars in the sky. Sure enough, God did what He promised and Sarah conceived and bore Issac. When Isaac was forty, he married Rebekah who was also barren. Isaac prayed for Rebekah for TWENTY YEARS, and she bore Jacob and Esau when Isaac was sixty years old (Gen. 25:21, 26). Jacob loved and married Rachel, who was also infertile (Gen. 30:1) and it wasn't until Jacob had many children by his other wife Leah and their servants that "God remembered Rachel and... opened her womb" (v. 22). God promised a great nation, but even the formation of the population of the great nation came out of great struggle.

I know these scriptures have been there all along -- I guess they just stand out to me now because of my personal history with infertility and miscarriage. Because we feel presently pressed to pursue a new family member, they just jump off the page. In light of my own infertility and history of miscarriage, we're sticking our toes in the water with regards to adoption. We have a conference conference call tomorrow with an adoption firm in California, and bleh -- I feel totally nervous. We're not committing to this firm just yet, but there's a possibility we will. We're still praying.

As I mentioned before, we've already looked at a number of options, we've made some calls, we've corresponded. So far, process of elimination has worked this time. I wish we had more clear direction about which way to move, but so far, we try a door and either shut it again or have it shut for us. I'm a little a lot jealous of the very specific directions the God of the Old Testament was known for doling out. It was like a flow chart of if/then statements -- it was unreal. What I wouldn't get for a little of that! Instead, we're operating by checking the peace gauge, hoping for God's peace that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7). If we have peace, move forward. If our hearts are troubled, step away.

We had such peace about moving forward with those twins that we began to invest our joy -- which is, I think, what frustrates me the most about that whole deal falling apart. Every update was exciting, and when we got the call that delivery was eminent, I could hardly contain myself what with the thrill and the nerves. I still cannot for one minute blame the birthmom for choosing to keep her babies -- being on the relinquishment side is unfathomable to me -- but to have made the choice to trust, to admit my physical failings, and to have asked for her consideration, only to be denied, is painful. To know now that, even with only one baby home, the reality of parenthood is already overwhelming her to the point of regret -- that's heart wrenching. I'm sad for her that she's hanging on to a decision she's unhappy with. I'm sad that those beautiful babies seem to be burdens and not blessings. Selfishly, I'm sad that I put my heart out there, that I cracked open its hard shell just a bit and became vulnerable -- I'm not a fan of the residual ache.

Even with this loss, we're excited about adoption. For a second, I thought about putting on the brakes, but we both really have peace about moving forward -- at least, for now. From what we've heard, many successful adoptive matches come through relationships already in place, meaning this friend knows that person whose teenage daughter is approaching delivery, and they trust us because you trust us. I mention that because I'd love it if our friends and family would keep us in mind if an opportunity were mentioned. We're impartial to sex, and we're not necessarily partial to race. It would be amazing if we were matched with baby who had some measure of Filipino ancestry, but other than that, we're totally open.

A new adoption option was presented to us when a friend mentioned the firm they used to adopt their son, one that specializes in the kind of adoption we're hoping for -- domestic newborn adoption. I perused their website, read some reviews, requested an information packet, and had one short phone call with someone at the firm. We have a conference call scheduled for tomorrow, but even that is really just for gathering more information, and I imagine they'll be interviewing us as much as we're interviewing them. We'll see how it goes.

In the meantime, we'd love it if you'd pray both with and for us. As for how you can pray specifically, we need DIRECTION. We don't necessarily have to do something that makes sense to everyone, we just need to know the right path for us. We want to be good stewards of our time, our money, and our hearts. Selfishly, I'd rather not have another adoption loss. I'd personally rather never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER match with a birth mom than match with someone again and have them change their mind. Even that, though, is a risk we're willing to take.




photo credit: fibroid.com