Saturday, March 19, 2011

That Was My Monday, How Was Yours?

Monday began as a day like most every other day. James was at work, there were chores to be done. The kids were on Spring Break, but we had no plans to do anything special. I logged into my online classrooms to happily discover all of my deadlines had been postponed so I could celebrate Spring Break too. I spent about an hour Monday morning working ahead on some coursework before deciding I'd better dedicate my free time to finishing our life book. If we ever hoped to be presented to birth moms by our agency, completing that book was a necessary step. I logged off the computer and began setting out some lunch for the kids.

Before lunch was totally served, the phone rang and the Caller ID reflected the number for our adoption agency. I thought our social worker was calling with an update on the progress of our home study report, or maybe with some last minute questions. The week before, he had all of our documents -- references, background checks, financial reports, tax returns, etc. He'd completed our interview and had a copy of the home study we completed during our first adoption. One week prior, he was about 75% through pulling it all together and synthesizing it into one master document.

I answered the phone to some small talk with our social worker. How was the weather? Did we have any plans for spring break? Was James out of town for work? Nothing unusual -- until he said, "Well, maybe I can change your plans this week." I was confused by his statement, but the social worker began telling me about a "Baby Born" situation. A little girl had been born three days earlier. Her birth mother wasn't from the area -- she was in town visiting friends when she went into labor. She'd planned to relinquish her baby throughout the pregnancy, but she never made an adoption plan. She connected with the agency while in the hospital. Initially, the agency presented her with another family -- a family with all of their documents in place who had a life book on file -- and she chose them to parent her baby. This family had traveled in, excited to adopt this tiny girl. They'd stayed with her from the time of her birth, but just that morning, they notified the agency that they were unable to move forward with the adoption. They said they were having some family issues and felt that the two children they'd already adopted completed their family. With heavy hearts, they left baby in the hospital and headed home again.

By this time, both the birth mother and birth father had relinquished their parental rights and the agency was the legal conservator for the baby. Even though it had only been SEVEN WEEKS since we sent in our initial adoption interest form, and though we had a little bit of work to do to pull the last of our documents together, they thought we would be the perfect family for her. Were we interested? Uh, yes! James and I talked in depth about the opportunity before us, and we had a couple of conference calls with the agency to get some background information before leaving town, but within four hours of the initial phone call, we were on the road to meet our daughter.

We met the agency workers in the hospital lobby around 9:00, and they took us to the NICU. There, they made copies of our IDs and accepted documents from the agency naming us as the adoptive parents. The agency workers stayed with us for about an hour. They were there to answer any questions and to be available as the nurses gave us a health update on the baby (a good report!). After an hour, they both slipped out, leaving us to bond with the baby. We named her Elleigh, a name that means "Shining Light" and "Most Beautiful Woman." We gave her the middle name Nicole, a middle name she shares with her birth mother.

We stayed with the baby for a while, but had to get back to the other three kids who were hanging out at Uncle Jerald's house. We got everyone settled into bed at the house, but neither James nor I could sleep. This was better than Christmas! After tossing and turning, I got up, showered, and went back to the hospital around 2:00 A.M. to do the middle-of-the-night feeding. Better get back into practice, right? I stayed until close to 4:00 A.M., then returned to the house for a short nap before shift change at the hospital. I slipped out again before anyone else was awake and stayed with Elleigh until her doctor made his rounds and determined she was ready to be discharged. While the nurses worked with Case Management to make sure all the proper documents were in order, I filed for medical records to be released. Then, I returned to collect James and the kiddos for a day at the agency.

At the agency, we both asked and answered a few last minute questions, then we signed document after document in preparation to take our baby home. Once our paperwork was complete, the social worker designated to work with the birth mom drove over to pick her up so she could come to the agency to spend some time with us. Our social worker ran out to pick up lunch for everyone.

Those moments waiting to meet the birth mom were so tense! We were so worried she wouldn't like us or she would think her little baby filling the #4 spot was unacceptable. Agony! But after only a little while, the most amazing young woman came into the room. She was just so lovely -- physically beautiful, sweet-spirited, soft-spoken. She hugged us when she met us. She laughed at Brystol's antics and didn't seem at all put-off that baby Elleigh was going to have three silly siblings. She asked us some very important questions and answered all of ours. She was simultaneously strong and sorrowful, and her love for this little girl was overwhelmingly undeniable. Meeting this amazing young woman was, without a doubt, one of the most poignant experiences of my life.

When the hospital called to say everything was in order for discharge, the social workers felt it would be best if we went to the hospital together. The worker sat in the waiting room with Bub, Gracie and Brystol, while James and I sat with the birth mom in the NICU as she said her very sad goodbyes to baby Elleigh. In all that we'd done to prepare for those moments, despite the times we were told about the grief that accompanies adoption, we felt completely unprepared for the grief the birth mom obviously felt. Perhaps it would have been easier for us if we'd had time to build a relationship in advance of placement, but watching her mourn was so heartbreaking. We did all that we could to comfort her while giving her space to grieve -- we waited with patience, we handed her tissues, we prayed for and with her. Still, that gut-wrenching sorrow made the joy we felt seem so awful. It was challenging to reconcile it all.

After birth mom spent some time with Elleigh, she left the room before the baby was discharged. James went to the waiting room with the kids, and I collected Elleigh and all her things. The kids saw the baby for the first time in the hallway of the hospital, and right away, they were totally taken with her.

The birth mom and her social worker were outside the hospital, waiting for us. We hadn't really been given instruction on what to do at this point, but we knew the plan right then was to return to the agency for a just a little more one-on-one time. We noticed the worker kept making comments about the baby in our family. They waited to watch us load everyone into our van, then the worker waited to pull away until after we were already driving off. I don't know that this is the case, but to me, it seemed as if she were sort of arranging scenarios so the birth mom could see her baby leaving, sort of forced closure, making things final. We wanted to be sensitive to the birth mom's heart, so even these small things were a challenge for us.

Within our car, though, there was joy. James and I were excited and the kids were through-the-roof thrilled. Brystol was a bit confused as all the way from the hospital back to the office she repeated "baby, baby, baby" in case we weren't sure there was an extra passenger on board. Before we pulled up to the agency, we instructed the kids to put their excitement on a bit of a hold for just a little while. We all wanted to be sensitive to the birth mom whose heart was hurting very much. The big kids understood and complied, but Brystol was just way too excited about the baby. She walked all the way into the agency with her hands on the car seat still repeating "baby, baby, baby." Fortunately, this served as a bit of comic relief and even the birth mom couldn't help but chuckle at how excited and loving Brystol was already.

We spent about an hour at the agency before we had to make our exit. Because we'd rushed out at the agency's phone call, we hadn't thought to grab the travel crib or any clothes for the baby. We had the car seat and absolutely nothing else! We needed to get home to the baby bed and all of our things. Oddly, we were unsure how to leave. It's not everyday someone gives you a baby to take home for good! Do you just say, "Hey, thanks! We'll see ya!" and head on out, or is there a process? Fortunately, both social workers came in to guide us through this part. They told the birth mom it was time for us to go, then they prayed for all of us. They gave her the choice on who to hand the baby off to. After she gave us the baby, she stepped outside to make a call, and when she did, the social workers told us to just go. They said that there was no need for delay, just take our family and walk out the door, and we did just that, though it felt absolutely awful. (I think this was another one of those closure moments they wanted the birth mom to have etched in her mind -- us walking away with our new daughter.) The worker followed a step or two behind us and was immediately present to comfort the birth mom as we passed her by.

The whole experience was so bittersweet -- such joy mingled with such sorrow. We felt so blessed, but at the same time, we felt so bad. We kept going back to the wise words our social worker shared when he told us this was her choice, she knew it to be right, and though it was so hard for her, we were the only source of hope she had for her daughter.

About three hours later (as we were still on the road towards home), the birth mom texted me to see how we were and how baby was. The conversation was amazing, and we were able to express our deep gratitude towards one another. We felt so grateful for the blessing of this baby, but before we could even say that, the birth mom thanked us for loving Elleigh and for making her a part of our family. What an amazing woman!

We've had a happy few days at home now. Friends and family have celebrated with us and showered us with new mommy meals and lots of baby essentials. We've had a couple more incredible text conversations with the birth mom, we shared some pictures by e-mail, and we planned to connect with her in person as we travel through her home town next month. As for baby, Elleigh is so easy and so precious -- we're all in love! She's eating well and sleeping well and she's tolerating all the passing around we do. It has all felt bit overwhelming from time-to-time, and though we are so thrilled, the fact that the Lord opened this door for us in this way and in this short amount of time, and the fact that this sweet birth mother entrusted this little one to us for life blows our mind now and again. Finding our routine and adapting to life with a new little one is helping us to feel like this is our amazing reality and less overwhelming and imaginary. Still, we feel like we should pinch ourselves to wake up from this happy dream! We're so grateful for those who have walked and continue to walk this path with us, and we're so grateful to God for this astonishing gift. We are so very blessed!

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly
than all that we ask or think,
according to the power at work within us,
to Him be glory..."

Ephesians 3:20-21 ESV


  • Randi

    What an amazing story ... there are so many things about that story that I just love. I can't wait to watch Elleigh grow up with you all.

  • Nancy


  • David and Bethany

    I had just recently looked @ your blog to see if there was a post on the entire story, but I actually found it via a link someone posted on a Minnesota friend's FB wall--small world!

    Your story is beautiful. Don't you LOVE the thrill of the unknown....but even in all the excitement and stress, it's so comforting to know that God already knows.

    I agree that nothing could prepare me for how hard it was to know that our great joy of receiving Isaac came at such a great sacrifice for his birthfamily. I'll always be grateful to them!

    Welcome, Elleigh Nicole! You are WELL loved!!!

  • Sarah @

    Congratulations to your family and welcome to sweet little Elleigh!!

    My husband and I are just now in the process of opening our home and hearts to adoption and I am so encouraged reading stories like this. Congratulations - what a beautiful story of a child who is so clearly meant to be with you!

  • Amy and Nathan

    Hi, I am Amy, I met you yesterday at our meeting. I LOVE your blog. Seriously, this post has given me so much hope and anticipation for our future. I am so glad Nathan and I got to meet you and your husband! Y'all have a beautiful family! See you next time. :)

All content © Mandigirl, 2007-2013.