Waiting ^ 3

You may have noticed my blog has been a bit fluffy of late. I've not been baring my soul, as I am prone to do. I wanted to acknowledge that and to say that though I've been a bit silent on the deep issues, they are still actively ongoing in my heart. Lately, what I've been dealing with is a shift in plans, things that I expected to go one way actually going in the opposite direction. (Why exactly is that the theme song of my life?)

It is probably not coincidence that the focus of my study this week has been on waiting, sitting, being still and obedient, not succumbing to emotion, and abandoning lofty ambitions. I'm not really going to go into it a whole lot at this point because I don't know what to say about it all, and because even when I'm on my face crying out for clarity in direction, all I get it wait. Frankly, if I have to wait for answers, so do you. (Primarily because I don't know what to tell you as I've not even been clued in myself.)

The bottom line is everything I had planned (notice, I) has been overturned. I was anticipating an answer about a step in the future last Wednesday, and on Monday night before the final word, James called me to a decision I didn't want to have to make. Not because I don't want the result of the decision -- I do -- but because I don't want the process.

We discussed in length the burden on his heart, and some options with regards to my day-to-day should the plan come together as hoped. On Tuesday while out running errands, I called him to say if the plan was meant to be, I could defer my enrollment at UTA in the fall. I could sit out for a year, taking a French or Sculpting class at NLC for fun, which wouldn't consume my time, but would allow me to remain an active member in the Honor's societies to which I belong. So you see, I participated in the new plan, and proved that I was willing to put my own plans on hold for this other one.

But I already had a plan in motion -- something on which to fall back if the one James was holding to did not come together. I knew no matter what with the new direction James wanted to travel, I had something to do come August. Though I was willing to embrace and submit to the plans of his heart, I knew I could fall back on my own. However, as soon as I committed to his plan, as soon as I mentioned an alternate course in my journey, my plans fell through. And not for any good reason, as in me making it safely through a first trimester, but rather because of timing and mail delays and policies that are upheld, apparently, no matter what.

In a nutshell, here's how my plans dissolved: my acceptance letter to UTA was dated four days (or two business days) after an unposted deadline requirement for the three scholarships I had been guaranteed. If I want to have access to that money (which I do, which is why I delayed my attendance this semester), I'll have to defer enrollment, sit out another year, and take one class each semester (maybe a French or Sculpting class) to remain active in the Honor's societies to which I belong in order to access that scholarship money in Fall 2009. Sound familiar?

Ultimately, I'm okay with the shift in any of these plans. More than anything, my heart's desire is to do what God requires as opposed to what I want to do. For me, school is something to do, a positive way to use up otherwise empty hours in a day. Finishing my degree is a good goal, but I don't necessarily feel compelled to any one thing that requires me finishing that degree at this time. James' other plan does come with a looming deadline, and perhaps it really should be the priority right now, though I'm fine with waiting on it to. I want God's plan for my life, whether it be A or B or an altogether different C. I want to walk out his will, and I most certainly don't want to be on the receiving end of this:

"'Destruction is certain for my rebellious children,' says the Lord. 'You make plans that are contrary to my will. You weave a web of plans that are not from my Spirit, thus piling up your sins. For without consulting me, you have gone down to Egypt to find help. You have put your trust in Pharaoh for his protection. But in trusting Pharaoh, you will be disgraced and humiliated..." (Isaiah 30:1-3)

I rather prefer this instead:

"The Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says, 'Only in returning to me and waiting for me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence will be your strength... the Lord still waits for your to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For he is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for him to help them. O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" (Isaiah 30:15, 18-21)


Waiting, Lord...