Sunday, January 11, 2009

Because I'm Not Immune to Melting Down

Last night, I had a major meltdown. I'm sure a good bit of my emotional outburst was induced by my currently raging hormones, but I had a moment of being completely overwhelmed.

With lots of crying.
Along with some snot.

First, I should say that I have an incredible sense of peace about this pregnancy. I don't necessarily know what to predict as far as an outcome goes. I'm hopeful that we'll come home with a baby in July or August, but I know whichever way the tide turns, God is faithful and He will sustain me. To clarify, I don't feel an imminent sense of doom, and I don't necessarily feel like I'm going to have another miscarriage. I really just feel sort of ambivalent about this pregnancy, disconnected -- like it's something that's happening to me instead of really being a part of me, a part of who I am, a part of my core makeup. I find that I'm excited with reservation, hopeful with a healthy dose of reality, and most of all, confident that my strength lies outside of my own abilities -- regardless of what outcome befalls me.

But last night, this whole pregnancy "situation" just sort of overtook me.

I'm a very self-reliant person, but because of lifting restrictions, I now have to wait for James to unload the groceries, move bins of Christmas decorations into the garage, and do various other sorts of suburbany feats of strength. I suddenly felt overwhelmed by my new found "disability," as well as the dishes, the laundry, the decluttering, and the newly-spayed dog pinned in her crate. I felt overwhelmed by kids making messes and needing snacks and being sick. I felt overwhelmed by appointments and practices and play dates and lesson plans and wondering how it would all work if tragedy should strike.

And then I felt overwhelmed by how it would all work if tragedy didn't strike -- if, say in 6 months or so, I brought home a squirmy little person who would need lots of me in the midst of kids making messes and needing snacks and lesson plans and having play dates and practices and appointments. How would all that work then? Could I hold it together? Could I keep all the plates spinning? And if not, which plates would fall? Could I or could I not do it all?

Then I felt guilty. I felt overwhelmed by guilt because I felt so overwhelmed in the first place. I felt guilty because my emotions absolutely seemed like a lack of trust in what God can and will do in my life, and in this situation, however it goes. I felt guilty because I knew how extraordinarily terrible I would feel if I did indeed miscarry -- like I'd wished the whole thing on myself.

Rationally, I know this is a season, but emotionally, I was momentarily consumed. I know as far as my new "disability" goes, I'm sacrificing so little for the potential of such reward. It's just that I'm in those weird weeks of waiting -- those weeks where I feel okay physically, but I don't really feel anything else. Since I'm not yet far enough along to feel the baby moving, it's all still so abstract, and that makes me feel like I'm not pulling my weight around the house or in life in general. May this be a time that I look to the Lord for the simplest of needs, and may God meet me at even my basest place.

"But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation
say continually, "Great is the LORD!"
As for me, I am poor and needy,
but the Lord takes thought for me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
do not delay, O my God!"
Psalm 40:16-17

"And this same God who takes care of me
will supply all your needs..."
Philippians 4:19a NLT



Cross-posted on About the Baby

6 comments:

  • Randi

    You sweet girl. I feel like I can relate (on a somewhat different level) because I'm learning a lot right now about relinquishing control and allowing God to do His thing in my life. My plans are not always His plans. When that squirmy bundle arrives home, you will keep all the plates up, just maybe in a different manner than they're spinning now. I have no doubt that you'll handle it beautifully. Hang in there!

  • Someone Being Me

    What you are feeling is perfectly normal. Everyone needs a good cry every once in awhile especially after you have been through so much. I am 26 weeks tomorrow and I still worry. It is overwhelming and the pregnancy hormones don't help. Hang in there. I'll be praying for you and your little one.

  • Jenny

    I can completely relate- obviously with some different circumstances. But there are many times where a melt down is the best medicine.
    I love this post. It captures so much of your heart and feelings. And it's so relatable to any mother.
    Love you!

  • amy

    *HUGS* You would not be human if you never felt overwhelmed or any of the other emotions you just described. You are a perfectly normal, hormonal, wonderful pregnant lady & you know Who is in control - and that's what matters. You can do this by the grace of God!

  • taralynn819

    Since I sometimes feel like that now (though that really shows my weakness since I don’t have kids, pets, or even a house yet! – you are amazing!!!), I can imagine the feeling will intensify whenever I’m pregnant. And I know exactly what my husband will begin to repeatedly tell me: Enjoy this season of rest and trust. He’s always made the pieces fit together before, and He will do it now. This time is a gift.

    Praying for some really, really good days in your future!

  • Emily

    Praying for total peace in your life. Just like everyone else, I can (kind of) relate. I rarely feel like I have it all together, but I am realizing how normal that is. You are an amazing mom and will continue to be in six weeks, six months, and six years. Thank you for being transparent, I admire that about you so much!

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