Wednesday, April 8, 2009

That Day and This Day

On the day Zachary was born, I was twenty-two weeks and one day pregnant, which is precisely where I am in this pregnancy today.

That morning, I woke up as a patient on the antepartum wing of the hospital and was rushed to the OR for an experimental procedure in the hopes that we could rescue my child from death. This morning, I rushed out the door for an early doctor's appointment with enough spare time to grab a chicken biscuit along the way.

That morning, the procedure failed as a surprise to me and I agreed to lengthy bedrest in Trendelenburg position. This morning, I was certain that there would be another failure, leading to bedrest, and was surprised to find out I was wrong.

That afternoon, I met with the neonatologist to discuss ethics and hospital policy and decided on a timeline for life-saving measures and respite care. This afternoon, I ate tacos, had a progesterone injection, laid around on the couch and caught up on Facebook status updates.

That evening, I was sent to labor and delivery because as that day progressed, my water broke, the baby's cord prolapsed, and there was nothing more we could do to to save him. I was given Cervadil and what was left of the cerclage was removed. For some reason, American Idol was on the TV as I labored. This evening, I intend to watch American Idol with my family at home, safely and happily still pregnant.

The whole experience of losing Zachary was a whirlwind. At every turn, I remember thinking I'd get out of it somehow -- somehow everything would work out and both the baby and I would be okay. Sure, maybe I'd require all sorts of intervention, but miracles were neither impossible nor improbable. Instead, by that evening, I marveled at how tiny his perfect little body was, and by the next day, I was making arrangements with a funeral home.

After such an experience, it was no wonder that I expected there to be something wrong when I went in today for a routine ultrasound at the exact same gestational age. It's true that I've had an extraordinary amount of peace throughout this pregnancy, but when your "normal" has been something so heart-wrenching, it's difficult to change your mindset. Still, I don't even think I realized how internally convinced I was about there being problems until my sweet doctor came into the room and the tears (mine, not his) started flowing.

Today, though, was a joyous day. Instead of having my unfortunate expectations met, I was surprised to find that my pregnancy is still progressing nicely. My current miracle is ongoing. My cervix is fine and remains stable in spite of vacation walking and a sporadic seasonal allergy cough. The baby has grown and is still measuring ahead -- she's measuring over 24 weeks around her tummy, and around 23 weeks everywhere else! Today, I marveled at how big her perfect little body is, and instead of making funeral arrangements, I think it might be time to get serious about decorating the nursery.

Zachary at 22 weeks 1 day

Little Miss Priss at 22 weeks 1 day

Cross Posted on About the Baby


  • Emily

    Amanda, I have tears in my eyes. Both for the loss of sweet Zachary and with joy for this beautiful healthy girl that is staying right where she should be. I am so thankful that today was full of good news. It is amazing how many details are the same between the two pregnancies and how I believe the outcomes will be totally different. Thanks for posting this update. I have been thinking about you today.

  • Randi

    There are no words to tell you how happy I am about today's results. I can't wait until this pregnancy is at its end and this can be your new normal. She looks adorable!!

  • Amy

    I held my breath for you all day as I knew that you were going to the doctor at this significant point on your timeline. I can't imagine how you felt! I am so very happy that you get to let the reality of passing this milestone sink in. There are so many wonderful things in store for you in the next few months as you prepare for Miss Priss's arrival. Your daughter is beautifully and wonderfully made!

  • Stacy

    Amanda thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'm sure it is difficult to remember vs. what is going on now. I love that you have peace about everything. I think the Lord knows when we need that, and you definitely do. I am so happy her results are good, and Baby girl is healthy! :)

  • Anonymous

    i think she looks like her nanny!!! look at that tummy and the sleeping position...yep, like her nanny

  • Sara

    Amanda, I sobbed for you when I read this. The pain you have (and still do, I can only imagine) experienced is absolutely heart-wrenching! I'm so sorry for the sadness you've endured! You are truly an amazing person! You're an inspiration! The way that you have CONTINUED is not something that I can imagine doing - yet you have done it! I know God has given you that grace! And now this Little Miss Priss!!! I can't WAIT to meet her! I think I might cry when I hold her - knowing that she is SUCH a MIRACLE!!! Thank you for sharing the TRUTH about your life! I'm sure you help many more people than you even know!!! I'm praying for you as you reflect on the past and look forward to the future - perhaps difficult things to do at the same time.

  • amy

    I'm so grateful that this little blessing is staying put & is happy/healthy. I feel like I've been holding my breath for you too. I'm praying for you... May you have so many more milestones with Little Miss - like her graduation, her 30th birthday party and her 40th wedding anniversary! :)

  • chickadee@afamiliarpath

    now that you've reached that marker, you'll really let yourself feel the joy of this baby.

  • taralynn819

    Oh, how God makes everything beautiful in His time! What a gift He has given you - a chance to redeem this season of new life!

    This week must be extra dear to you since you know almost exactly what your baby girl must looks like right now, having held her older brother in the palm of your hand. Makes you more fully realize there's actually a little person in there! And what a loved little person, at that!!

  • DeDe

    Tears ... of sorrow and of joy - I'm still praying for so many blessings for you and Miss Priss!

  • Anonymous

    Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.

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