Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Being Still and Waiting on God

I'm at 32 weeks now in this pregnancy. Though I'm at a big milestone for any high-risk pregnancy, I still want this baby to stay in and cook for a while longer. If I were to go full-term, I'd have about eight more weeks to go before delivery. I'm hoping to go six more weeks (reaching 38 weeks gestation), though it's not unreasonable that I'll deliver as early as 4-5 weeks from now (at 36-37 weeks).

I'm still taking the 17P Hydroxyprogesterone injections to prevent preterm labor, and while they're considered to be effective, I'm beginning to break through with what I hope are non-productive Braxton Hicks contractions. A couple of times, I've experienced contractions more painful or coming more frequently than they should be, but those contractions were resolved -- fortunately! -- with Gatorade and rest at home. Still, I personally think once those injections come to an end, I won't have long before natural labor kicks in, or is allowed to take over -- whatever the case may be.

This is me we're talking about, though -- the woman who spent 15 weeks on bedrest to keep one baby in, only to end that pregnancy with an induction and an aggressive approach to delivery assistance. I wouldn't be surprised if I end this pregnancy the very same way. If I make do somehow it to 38 weeks without significant signs of labor, this big baby and I will likely walk the zoo in the July Texas heat -- without water. Dehydration does the trick!

As for baby, I don't have a recent update. I see the OB again on Thursday, but he's gotten all willy-nilly with the sonograms, so I don't know if I'll have a baby update then either. I was rear-ended two weeks ago (at 30 weeks). Post accident, I saw the MFM for a check on the baby and my cerclage, and at that time, she weighed about 4 pounds 4 ounces and measured in at 32 weeks 4 days. Two weeks have passed since that visit, and based on how big she feels now, both on the inside and from the outside, I think she's topped five pounds. Regardless of how much she weighs, I'm quite certain she's sixteen feet long and is trying to break out of my uterus by way of my right hip socket.

Other than a big baby occasionally trying to make a break for it, I still feel really good. Several friends of mine either currently are or just were pregnant, and I think out of the whole bunch of us, I may have the fewest physical complaints. One friend dealt with back issues that put her completely out of commission more than once, and another friend sometimes needs a walking stick just to survive her sciatica. Though I sometimes move slower or tire a bit more quickly than I'm accustomed, many days I don't actually feel pregnant at all. Restless sleep and frequent trips to the bathroom do remind me of my present delicate state, so though I feel pretty good much of the time, I'm certain not to forget -- and not to grow lax on my list of pre-baby chores.

While I still feel pretty fantastic physically, I often do have a difficult time dealing with this pregnancy emotionally. I thought moving into this safer stage would make me feel better and cause me to embrace the pregnancy more, but it hasn't. I am thankful for every single moment I have this living, kicking baby tucked safely away inside, but it's often very difficult to reconcile how I feel about this pregnancy as a whole. I'm excited, but afraid. I'm apprehensive, but appreciative. I've been preparing and counting down the days while realizing my hopes could be dashed at any moment. I still do the juice trick and kick counts and use the doppler from time to time, and occasionally I'm genuinely surprised to find my little one still living.

On one hand, I need every day I can get to prepare for our baby girl to arrive, but on the other hand, the remaining weeks can't pass by quickly enough. I know that God has done and continues to do miraculous things in and because of this pregnancy, still small, weak, little ol' selfish me would like to know the outcome. This being still and waiting on God thing is almost too much to bear.


"Be still, and know that I am God..."
Psalm 46:10a


"The humble will see their God at work
and be glad.
Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged."
Psalm 69:32 NLT


"Since He Himself [meaning Christ]
has gone through suffering and testing,
He is able to help us when we are being tested."
Hebrews 2:18 NLT



Big Baby Blocking My View

12 comments:

  • Karen

    Amanda,
    After all you have been through and being pregnant, which messes with one's emotions, I think it is totally understandable. Last year during my pregnancy challenges, I remember asking, or maybe telling God, that I just needed to know the outcome, good or bad. Waiting is hard, patience is hard, being preggers in this heat is hard. Hang in there friend!

  • Jenny

    You look so cute!
    Yeah, part of me is wondering who gets to go first... you or me. It might be close! Either way I'm confidant we will both have healthy babies. It feels so great to be getting to the end, huh?

  • Michele

    tiredness and peeing aside, you look great! i keep praying, too, that my cerclage holds and that the p17 shots do the trick. i pray a lot. in my saddest and most afraid moments, it is all that helps.

    good luck and thoughts for a full term delivery!

  • Randi

    What? My varicose veins didn't get a mention? :)

    You look so great and I'm just thrilled that you're doing this well. What a blessing each week is. I can't wait to see that little girl.

    I can relate to the needed intervention at the end ... with Kennedy, I walked around for about six weeks at a 4 and then 5, thinking my labor would be quick and easy ... and then had to be induced after my water broke! You just never know, huh?

  • JaneyJ

    I think you are such a remarkable woman! You look gorgeous and even your pregnancy "complaints" have a bright side! You are truly inspiring! Keep it up

  • Anonymous

    you look so cute!!! you remind me of me when i was pregnant with you. i had the big swelly belly also. get rest, sweet girl. call if you need me. love you, mom

  • Daxton

    Amanda, You are so beautiful. I am glad you have made it so far with very little complications. Yeah! Thanks for sharing the verses. They are good for all of us to remember. Can't wait to meet your little one.

  • Anonymous

    Hi - delurking here - I've been reading your blog for awhile - it has been a great encouragement for me in dealing with grief (one miscarriage, no living children). I just wanted to tell you how happy I am for you. The road you've walked has been difficult but I'm just so happy you are where you are today. Praise the Lord! Every time I check your blog and things seem to be going well, I'm so glad. It really brings a smile to my face. We're all pulling for you and your little one. God's blessings on you and your little girl as you wait to meet her these next several weeks. Will keep you all in my prayers.

  • Michele

    just wanted to pop back over and say thank you for your comment. yours was one of many stories that I found which made me discuss cerclage failure with my doc. But thank you so much for sharing your story with me.

  • Amanda Hoyt

    Hi Amanda,
    I'm not sure if I've commented before or not, but I've been following you for a few months now. I can't remember how I found your blog but we have a few things in common :)
    I just had to tell you that so far this post has meant the most to me. You said it perfectly, "This being still and waiting on God thing is almost too much to bear."
    I feel the exact same way you described. I will be praying for you.
    Hugs and prayers,
    Amanda
    P.S. I live in TX too :)

  • Sissy

    Don't you look cute!?!?

  • amy

    You are absolutely ADORABLE!! I love it!!

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