I'm a cheater...

Today we cheated. We ran away from home. We went to a new church, though we lead in our old one. I don't know why we did it. We had a reason, but it was a dumb one.

Our baby died. That's why we went to a new church.

That's no reason to go to a new church, but since our baby died, neither of us have had the courage to go home again. We know people will look at us weird. We know they will talk to us weird, and even if they really don't, we'll wonder if they *want* to talk to us weird and not talking to us weird because they're really making an effort to make us feel normal.

We've been on the fence and off the fence since April. We didn't go at all for a couple of weeks because he had just died. When we were ready to go back, it was Mother's day, and I needed no reminder that my body defied motherhood and my baby was relegated to an urn in the corner of an unused room. Then we had company or illness or fear compouned, so we haven't gone back at all. One of us would feel ready and set the alarm to go back, and the other would turn it off in tears. Weekly, it changed.

Last night, we wondered aloud what we should do, but were afraid of the weirdness. So, we decided to visit a church nearer to our home. All the way there, I cried. Everything would be so much easier if our baby was still alive in me. But he's dead, and we're branded.

I didn't want to go to our home church because I didn't want people to talk to me or look at me in a weird way. At the new church, no one talked to or looked at us at all. I thought invisibility would be nicer, but it wasn't at all. It was more horrible than weirdness.

Visiting the new church was a good and necessary experience. It reminded us of what we have at home and take for granted. It reminded us that we truly do have people in our lives who care, regardless of weirdness. Today's visit was confirmation for us that there's no where else in the world for us at this stage in our lives. VCC is home. For the first time in weeks, I am anxious for Sunday to come -- no matter how weird it will be.