Today was that Tuesday -- the day with my friend and the new baby. All in all, it went far better than I anticipated.
Yesterday, when I knew Rebecca was free from the womb, it all began to feel quite painful. It remained painful yesterday afternoon and evening, and then all the way to the hospital this morning. I cried here and there both days and choked out the lyrics to the hymn, "It is Well with My Soul" as I drove to today's visitation. (see video)
Fortunately, I was able to get myself together before going in. I was able to hold Rebecca (nearly all day long, thank you very much) and help DeDe without being an extreme mess. Only one time did I even become choked up while in the room, and it was at a moment when we three were alone (DeDe, baby, and me), and DeDe ambushed me with her loving kindess. "How is this for you, really?" she asked. "It's fine (tears)," I said. "She's so lovely (sniff), and I'm so glad (sob) that I get to be here with you (boohoo)." We talked through it, and ultimately, my time with DeDe and my time with Rebecca today was very healing, and for that I am so grateful.
On my drive home today, I wondered why it was so hard for me only after Rebecca was born, and really not so much before. Admittedly, there were times that it was not easy to watch DeDe grow and blossom while I shriveled away, but I mean, I had been able to talk and joke about DeDe's pregnancy for months -- why was it now so much harder? One thing I realized that I hadn't considered before was that as long as she remained pregnant, my loss wasn't fully really over. I know that sounds strange, because DeDe being pregnant didn't mean I was. But we had shared those moments -- those good friends pregnant at the same time moments -- and when hers was over, mine was really, really over. DeDe's delivery was the final thing required to end everything that still lingered from that time in my life. Rebecca's birth was proof that life indeed went on, that none of my situation was a misunderstanding, and that there's no hope for some different outcome. It is truly the end...
Yesterday, when I knew Rebecca was free from the womb, it all began to feel quite painful. It remained painful yesterday afternoon and evening, and then all the way to the hospital this morning. I cried here and there both days and choked out the lyrics to the hymn, "It is Well with My Soul" as I drove to today's visitation. (see video)
Fortunately, I was able to get myself together before going in. I was able to hold Rebecca (nearly all day long, thank you very much) and help DeDe without being an extreme mess. Only one time did I even become choked up while in the room, and it was at a moment when we three were alone (DeDe, baby, and me), and DeDe ambushed me with her loving kindess. "How is this for you, really?" she asked. "It's fine (tears)," I said. "She's so lovely (sniff), and I'm so glad (sob) that I get to be here with you (boohoo)." We talked through it, and ultimately, my time with DeDe and my time with Rebecca today was very healing, and for that I am so grateful.
On my drive home today, I wondered why it was so hard for me only after Rebecca was born, and really not so much before. Admittedly, there were times that it was not easy to watch DeDe grow and blossom while I shriveled away, but I mean, I had been able to talk and joke about DeDe's pregnancy for months -- why was it now so much harder? One thing I realized that I hadn't considered before was that as long as she remained pregnant, my loss wasn't fully really over. I know that sounds strange, because DeDe being pregnant didn't mean I was. But we had shared those moments -- those good friends pregnant at the same time moments -- and when hers was over, mine was really, really over. DeDe's delivery was the final thing required to end everything that still lingered from that time in my life. Rebecca's birth was proof that life indeed went on, that none of my situation was a misunderstanding, and that there's no hope for some different outcome. It is truly the end...
Empty Arms Filled Today
You're amazing!
You responded before I had time to finish all the edits. Read it again. Not so amazing.
I stand by my first comment. :)
The fact that you were brave enough to go to the hospital today proves that you are amazing. That was a hard step! The fact that you could be "that person" for DeDe today is selfless and loving.
Of course you cried. I cried for you too. I worried for you all morning, dear friend. But you did it! You made it across that bridge in your journey. I will forever be sorry that you had to, but I am proud of you for doing it.
Well, I've just read your last two posts. My heart aches for you, but hopes for you too. God has given you the grace to handle your children's questions honestly, and in love. He's so good to us. I cannot imagine how you must have felt today with DeDe...again, grace. You inspire me.
Cathartic cries. I ache for you.
A ray of light: The end of one begins another.
I don't have any words, just warm thoughts.